David Cameron launched his new WebCameron site, today, with the announcement that he is now 100% compatible with Windows XP. ‘I’m delighted to make this announcement because for too long, politicians have not been thinking about the end user’s experience and all that nonsense about drivers and whether you’ve got the right upgrades. We in the Conservatives want to cut all that out. By ensuring that I’m plug and play, I hope that more people will pick up the message that this is the new Tory party; cleaner, greener, and with more than eight fantastic USB ports they can use from the day we’re elected.’

The camera is attached to Mr. Cameron’s head using a temporary wood glue and will record his every movement over the next six months. ‘It’s a trial,’ he admitted. ‘We’ll see what kind of quality material comes out of it until Christmas and then we’ll think about using something a bit more permanent — and environmentally friendly — to attach it to my head for the long term.’ Asked if the party had yet to form a policy on what kind adhesive they might choose, Cameron said: ‘We’re thinking about using six inch nails but I must stress that this isn’t a firm policy commitment at this stage.’

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After spending his morning giving a public apology and then declaring his intention to resign next year, Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott might have been excused from having to perform in yesterday’s usual end-of-conference fun. Yet, with the same steadfast determination to see his duties carried out as made him P&O’s Steward of the Year in 1957, Prescott delighted delegates by running through the whole of the gurning routine that has become such a Conference favourite.

‘The crowd have come to expect it,’ said Prescott, speaking to Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight. ‘I reckon they’ll miss it when it’s gone, but who’s going to gurn when I’m back doing the North Sea run to Zeebrugge? John Reid? Gordon Brown? David Miliband? Don’t make me laugh! Can they do this?’ At which point, he managed to cram the whole of his right fist up his left nostril.

Prescott went on to explain his reasons for his quitting his high profile role with the Labour government. ‘It’s not giving me enough of the right exposure,’ he said. ‘I’ve always wanted to get into cabaret. It’s my first love. That’s why I went for the ferry job all those years ago and politics has been a slight detour. I now want to get back to doing what I enjoy the most: holding in the palm of my hand as I do my turn in front of a live three-piece band in the Hawaiian lounge of the North Sea Princess.’

Gordon Brown might be right to feel a little paranoid at the moment as his party looks elsewhere for a new leader, but the Chancellor should also be watching his back as the Prime Minister’s wife attempts to blame him for her latest hairdressing calamity.

‘He’s put Miracle Gro in my tea!’ claimed Cherie as she hacked her way through another quick-growing tendril of brown barnet before stunned (and, quite frankly, not a little scared) journalists. ‘He’s done it because he thinks I’m trying to upset his leadership bid.’ Challenged as to whether this meant that she now supports Mr. Brown, the hirsute First Lady said: ‘well… that’s hardly the point, is it? I mean: look what he’s done to my lovely locks. They completely cover my face…’

Picking up a surprise award for humanitarian work later in the day, the Chancellor denied his involvement in any plot to humiliate Mrs. Blair. ‘Just because I’m a casual gardener, and just because I happen to own some a few boxes of Miracle Gro, and just because I happened to put some of it in her tea… Well, it doesn’t mean I’m guilty, does it?’ he said.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are among the many celebrities and world leaders calling for immediate relief aid for Kosova after James Blunt performed there over the weekend. ‘What is happening is a blight on all our consciences,’ said Jolie, ‘and the international community should come together to stop this cruelty from happening again in the future. Who knows, next time it could be Girls Aloud.’

The Red Cross reports that the main force of Blunt fell on British troops stationed in the Balkan country as part of peace keeping operations but a spokesman for the Ministry of Defence in London could not confirm that they have lost contact with their troops since the time of the concert. ‘We are aware that James Blunt was performing at the time but we have every confidence in our troops who have been outfitted with the very best hazmat suits which have been tested against every know irritant and have been given the highest Elton John rating.’

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Wishing his party well on the occasion of his last conference, Prime Minister Tony Blair appeared alongside previous leaders Neil Kinnock and Michael Foot and promised the party his continued support in the future. There can be no doubt that his parting words will forever echo in the minds of all who heard him pledge that ‘I’m always with you’. Certainly, not half an hour later, John Prescott vowed that he heard the PM’s words come back to him as he was negotiating his Jag through the exhaust port area of Manchester’s crowded inner city. ‘I turned off the sat nav,’ said a proud Prescott, ‘and I got myself through it by hand.’

Even to seasoned reporters, the atmosphere in the conference hall was something special as the party celebrated the fall of the old Empire. The Labour Ewoks then played drums using the helmets of vanquished police officers called in to investigate the appointment of Sith Lords. To some, the spectral figures of the old leaders was a reminder of the dangers of allowing the party to slip too far towards the left. For others, it was a reminder that the party should not stray too far into the centre. But for most, it was a reminder that the party should stop dabbling with the dark side and choose a different leader other than the remaining believer in the Sith ways, Darth Brown.

Babies cried. Citizens fled screaming into the streets in terror. It was not the start to a Labour Party conference that Gordon Brown could have anticipated. The problem lay in the lights. ‘They knew that Gordon doesn’t look good with too much backlighting,’ explained a supporter. ‘It doesn’t do justice to his teeth. That’s why we believe Blair’s lot set him up.’

It was easy to see their point. As the iron chancellor gave his speech to a packed conference, the words ‘Darth Sidius’ were muttered by many watching the large screen above the stage. It was a thought given extra emphasis when Brown explained how he plan to clamp down on the ‘rebel scum’ that blight the land, and promised that only he has the ‘right sort of force to defeat the young padawan called Cameron’.

The only hope for the party lay in the form of a young member of the imperial family, Princess Cherie, who fled from the conference proclaiming her disgust with the lies and deceit being spoken on stage. Who knows where this epic story will lead, but for many attending the conference, it was further proof that Manchester really is on a different planet.

In order to remain a respected news organisation and, certainly, one of the few independent of the large media corporations, The Spine has always been careful to avoid endorsing products. However, Mr. Theo Spark has emailed to ask if we might promote a scheme he has euphemistically (and somewhat modestly) described as ‘The Theo Spark S**t List’.

Although we question the use of profanity in a medium as moderate and family friendly as the internet, we would like commend Mr. Spark on his plan, which we believe will be the ‘Live Aid’ for this generation. By coming up with this event, the organiser stands (in our unbiased opinion) above even the saintly Bob Geldof as a humanitarian of the highest order. Consequently, our board of directors have now met with editorial staff and, after many hours of debate in a smoke filled room, we are pleased to nominate the following for inclusion in Mr. Spark’s admirable list of things to be ‘thrown out with the rubbish’.

Most obvious: the current Labour Government
Even more obvious: Charlotte Church
And for the love of humanity: Bono

But less obviously, we humbly nominate:

The Labour Party conference began on Sunday with a shock announcement, when long-time party activist, Tony Robinson, admitted to a packed congress that he has been playing the part of Party chair, Hazel Blears, for the last decade. ‘I knew I’d never get high up in the party with my background in light entertainment, so I created this alter ego who has done rather well,’ he confessed. ‘I know the party is strong enough to forgive me, and I am only glad I can now put this charade behind me and get on with the job of winning the next election with my many cunning plans involving strangely shaped vegetables…’

Suspicions were first raised when Hazel Blears hosted three editions of Time Team last year, a lapse which Mr. Robinson puts down to a ‘hectic schedule’. ‘I simply forgot to change out of my costume,’ he said, but added, ‘the strange thing is that I got much more work out of the guys when I was dressed as Hazel.’

It is thought that this explains how the team managed to unearth a twelve acre Roman fortress and then rebuild it in only three days. Conversely, it also explains the Labour Party’s recent motion to introduce compulsory flint napping in all schools. Said archaeologist Phil Hardy, who is attending the conference, ‘I’ve not seen policies like these since the late Neolithic.’

With the Labour Party conference beginning in Manchester this weekend, Tony Blair started his day with a hearty breakfast. Insiders at a top Manchester hotel have revealed that the Prime Minister shares Prince Charles’s unusual routine when it comes to his morning egg. ‘He’s very indecisive,’ said one porter. ‘He insists that there be a good selection, but then he refuses to actually choose one. He just sits there, waving his spoon over each egg, declaring “this is the egg for me” but never actually cracking it.’ They added. ‘He’s just as bad when it comes to toast and jam, and is quite unlike the Deputy Prime Minister. John Prescott is a man who knows what he likes and always begins each day with a bit of crumpet.’

Channel 5 issued an apology, late Friday night, when viewers were left distraught after The All Star Talent Show included a barefoot Lib Dem frontbench spokesman for Wales and Northern Ireland singing I’m Your Hoochie Coochie Man while wearing a pair of dungarees and sitting of a bale of hay. Lembit Opik later refused to issue an apology of his own for his ‘country and western’ moment and instead blamed his poor performance on a mix up of bags after the recent Lib Dem conference, which led to his accidentally ingesting some of Sir Menzies Campbell’s ‘vitality’ tablets before the show.

‘I don’t know what I was doing, I just couldn’t stop myself,’ he confessed. ‘People thought I was playing the harmonica but it was actually a set of Sir Menzies dentures that just happen to be tuned to the key of G. And then when I started to blow through them, I must have dislodged a piece of Dundee cake trapped between the incisors. It shot out and hit a poor woman sitting in the front row… I’d like to apolgise to her too. What else can I say? The whole thing has just been a terrible ordeal and I’d like to forget it as quickly as possible.’

In related news, a speech by Sir Menzies Campbell to party officials was cut short, tonight, when it unexpectedly turned into a harmonica solo. Sir Menzies later laughed the incident away and claimed that the Hohner Marine Band Harmonica the ‘best set of gnashers I’ve ever owned’.