Delegates attending the Labour Party conference in Manchester are in for a special treat when they arrive at the G-MEX centre next week. Waiting for each of them will be a commemorative bottle containing a lifelike replica of chairperson, Hazel Blears. The free giveaway novelty is the brainchild of event organiser Hilary Crudd who hopes that delegates will be encouraged to sign up to the full set of commemorative bottled ministers. ‘In the coming months, we’ve got plans to have Tessa Jowell, David Miliband, and Des Browne bottled, though plans to include the Deputy Prime Minister in the first batch have been postponed until we can get hold of some bigger rounder bottles’.

Asked why he had decided to give Hazel Blears away for free, Mr. Crudd explained: ‘We wanted everybody attending the conference to go away with a small gift that symbolised the modern Labour Party: small-minded, bossy, and liable to break under the slightest pressure’.

More proof that rockstars mellow with age emerged on Wednesday when Ozzy Osbourne’s prize-winning carrots won first prize at the Hertford Country Fair. The victory was not without its controversy, however, when local vegetable grower, Mr. Reg Picket (67), lodged a formal complaint with event organizers. ‘It’s not right to allow these celebrities to come along and use their great wealth and contacts to win these prizes,’ said the disgruntled gardener. ‘I’ve had about all I can endure of that family,’ he continued. ‘I’ve had to watch that talentless son of his get his own series where he did nothing but go and have fun on free adventure holidays. Then I’ve had to endure the self-harm I inflicted on myself to get through his daughter’s music career. Then there’s his ruddy wife, who’s hardly ever off the TV, taking every job offered up to her. I now have to travel 10 miles to my local supermarket since I refuse to go to ASDA since they gave her a job. And now he’s come along and ruined my love of carrots. Makes me cry, it does… Suppose I’ll have to start growing onions instead.’

Meanwhile, Ozzie was reveling in his newest success, citing ‘good manure’ as the key to his victory. ‘A good carrot is just like a well crafted lyric,’ explained the Black Sabbath singer who celebrated his sixty ninth birthday on Saturday. He laughed off Mr. Picket’s complaint. ‘These youngsters don’t have respect,’ he said. ‘They are just bitter losers while I’m King of the f****** Carrots!’

The shortage of doctors in the Health Service may soon be a thing of the past if radical new plans are introduced that will force the NHS to follow the same standards and practices as journalism. ‘The only reason we don’t have enough doctors is that we’re a bit too picky about who we allow in,’ said an administrator at one leading London hospital. ‘What’s great about this new scheme is that the government will allow anybody to become a doctor so long as they “know somebody in the business”‘.

The news comes as Peaches Geldof landed a job reporting on Tonight With Trevor McDonald in the face of stiff competition from countless other teenagers who have recently passed their media studies A level and who would have loved the chance to work on ITV’s premiere news programme. ‘Yes, that’s true,’ admitted a source on the show, ‘but we didn’t have time to find one of those teenagers and, by using this selection process, at least the vacancy was filled very quickly’. Only yesterday, the Camilla Al Fayed, daughter of Harrod’s boss, Mohamed Al Fayed, landed a job as fashion expert on GMTV despite it being her very first TV presenting role. GMTV have denied an earlier report suggesting that they have hired all the highest points in the land from which TV executives can now stand whilst they urinate on the hopes of all the unknowns working hard to break into the business.

Before Casino Royale has even reached cinema screens, producers of the next James Bond film have taken the unusual step of announcing the casting of its lead villain. It is reported in British film trade magazines that actor and highly-respected writer, Alan Bennett, has already filmed a dozen scenes at a top secret closed set at Pinewood. The writers have been keen to keep the plot of the movie a secret, but it thought to involve a scheme to destroy the world by a crazed commemorative pottery magnet from Yorkshire called ‘Rich T’. Bennett has written many of his lines himself, and, somewhat self-referentially, has given his evil genius a tireless dedication to the memory of the late Thora Hird. The film, provisionally titled ‘The Hand Grenade Under the Settee’, should be at cinemas late next year. ‘Do you expect me to talk, Rich T?’ ‘No Mr. Bond, I expect you finish your chocolate hobnob before you tell me all about Mrs. Prothero’s trouble with the new family that’s moved into number 27.’

In a move sure to please many and offend very few, Jamie Oliver declared himself God on Tuesday; a radical career change that was precipitated by what Mr. Oliver described as ‘a great sense of my wishing to state the bleeding obvious’. In recent months, he had been complaining that he had been inexplicably adopting an ethereal form but on Sunday night, as he finally escaped his corporeal body completely, he decided the moment had come to make his announcement. The news has already received a blessing from Number 10 Downing Street, where the Prime Minister was said to be ‘delighted’ by the news, and promised ’substantial government support for whatever plans Jamie has for the future’. Meanwhile, the Pope has condemned the news and in a speech to crowds at the Vatican, vowed that he will ‘not give up my full-fat German knackwurst for anybody.’

Mr. Oliver began his first day as a deity by writing out his own list of ten commandments, which he hopes will replace those of the Old Testament in British schools. ‘They’re yesterday’s news, Grandad!’ he said, addressing believers in the form of a burning eccles cake. In addition to nutritional advice for school children, the Commandments include advice on kitchen cleanliness and ‘how to sound Cockney’. The Ninth and Tenth Commandments are thought to be the most controversial. ‘Weareth thy sneakers with thy evening wear’ and ‘Lispeth liketh Thy God Lispeth’ are already causing some splits in the New Church of Jamie. Both Orthodox and Reforming wings have said to have emerged, with both promising to fight the rival religion of the Gordon Ramseyites, the religious sect who believe in the coming of the Great Apocalypse of Smash.

London’s fashion scene is rarely left speechless, but late Sunday evening, even the world’s most notoriously jaded commentators were left struggling to come to terms with the latest sensation, after Natasha Kaplinsky arrived at the premiere for Beerfest wearing a Walrus hat. Made from the head of a real walrus, the hat is the brainchild of London’s enfant terrible of the fashion world, Jason Christopher, who describes it as ‘comfortable, warm, and very very provocative’. Ms. Kaplinsky admits to having a keen interest in fashion but prefers to lead rather than follow. ‘I know some people will say it’s cruel but I think every walrus would be proud to be worn to the premiere of such a popular film and by such a gorgeous, talented, and well loved newsreader such as myself’. Added Ms. Kaplinsky: ‘I know Hew Edwards is spitting feathers, he’s so jealous… He’d already ordered one for himself but I got mine first.’

Among the many surprise winners at this year’s Venice Film Festival was Her Majesty the Queen, who won the best actress award for her unflinching portrayal of Dame Helen Mirran in the big-screen remake of Prime Suspect. Said Her Majesty after receiving a Golden Gondolier from last year’s winner, Dame Barbara Windsor, ‘one did awfully well to remember one’s lines so I think one deserved this.’ The Queen admitted that she is not looking forward to her next performance. ‘I have to read the Queen’s speech,’ she explained. ‘Which one might think is fine if only it were really one’s own, but it’s written by that Blair fellow. He’s hardly Lynda La Plante, though one think he fancies himself as a the next Dame Tom Stoppard. Charles always says he reminds one of that David Dickinson but I hardly see the resemblance…’

The government’s failure to produce legislation to solve the growing problem of squatting in the inner city was highlighted this week as Prime Minister, Tony Blair, invoked his squatter’s rights to remain in Number 10 Downing Street. ‘We’re not moving an inch,’ said Mrs. Blair through her letterbox. ‘And if anybody wants to try to get us out, they’ll have a bloody fight on their hands.’ Meanwhile, her husband’s increasingly odd behavior of late continued as Mr. Blair daubed an anarchy symbol on Gordon Brown’s forehead. ‘He’s The Man,’ said Blair, ‘and we all have to fight The Man.’ It is thought that Mr. Brown had presented Blair with an eviction notice but the Prime Minister was later seen to roll it up and smoke it in the gardens to Number 10.

Opthamologists have been warned to look out for increased cases of cataracts and other serious eye complaints in the coming year after a 56 year old woman in Westminster went blind after catching a glimpse of a smiling Gordon Brown without the adequate protection. Speaking to the Better Eyesight convention in Leeds, eye expert Dr. Morris McManners warned that such cases will become more numerous. ‘We’ve been lucky that Gordon Brown has rarely been seen smiling, so the damage has been minimal, but should he get into Number 10, who knows how many people will lose their eyesight,’ he said, before screaming: ‘We have to be vigilant, people!’ It has been long rumoured that Gordon Brown’s teeth were whitened by experts at a top secret weapon’s testing base in Colchester using the same technology that goes into improving the efficiency of military lasers.