Pamela Anderson has revealed how she now saves $9000 a day by doing her own makeup. Said the former star of Baywatch and ex-wife of Bob Newhart: ‘I never realised how easy it was until I tried it myself. Friends have told me that they can’t tell the difference between my own attempts and those of the professionals I’ve been using for so many years.’ Ms. Anderson revealed that she now plans to write a book giving all her best beauty tips. ‘I think it’s important to help women look as good as me when they reach the age of 50,’ she said. Speaking of her recent marriage to Flash Gordon star, Brian Blessed (Prince Vultan), she said: ‘Brian’s helped me grow as a woman and has taught me to project my voice so I could take this important step in my rehabilitation as I become a person who likes herself.’ (Additional reporting by Goombie, the Moon-Faced Racoon)

Politicians are rejoicing tonight after it became apparent that the biggest breakthrough since the English Bill of Rights has been made in the area of political thought. A radical form of democracy, envisioned by one-time Apprentice contestant Saira Khan, calls for ‘a new campaign […] for much greater use of referendums on issues of public interest’. Yet what is shocking the political establishment is the speed with which the new form of law-making is being taken up by a public traditionally left powerless by the old party system.

Already the first effects of the Our Say initiative are becoming apparent as voters leap at the chance to apply reality TV principles to political decision-making. Today, the Union Jack was replaced by a new flag, tastefully done in gravel, Burberry, Playboy pink, and with one of them nice water features in the middle. ‘Ooh, isn’t it lovely,’ said Mrs. Mildred Pickle who voted for the flag in the Our Say booth in her local Tesco. Meanwhile, 84% of the electorate decided that the Highways Agency indeed have an obligation to help Jordan have her arse widened given that Botox is now a ‘legitimate building material’.

Across the UK, the new democracy was changing the politcal landscape. One of the day’s earliest ballots saw Trisha Goddard made into a living saint with the power of life and death over any British citizen. The Law Lords have already agreed that all paternity cases are to be now passed on to her and shown live on her weekly show. She is also now the only UK citizen empowered by law to carry and use heavy assault weapons. Air support will provided by the newly formed Trisha Bomber Squadron who were tonight involved in a major offensive against a suburb of Leeds where early reports suggest that ‘his brother slept with his sister and stuff…’

Jade Goodie is to be nominated for the UK’s seat on NATO and has expressed her intention to bomb Russia unless they send more vodka.

Meanwhile, the Home Office saw the first appearance of Sharon Osbourne, the public’s newly appointed Minister For Niceness, who had her first major policy decision endorsed by voters who decided that anybody who fails to smile for at least twelve hours each day will face surgical procedures to ensure they live up to the government’s new ‘happiness’ criteria. In related news, Channel 4 declared that it is to be taken over by the government and will screen nothing but Richard and Judy and ‘none of that foreign or art-house muck’. Richard is said to be looking forward to the challenge and to ‘sort things out for my kind of people’.

Further decisions include: all of Britain’s countryside is to be covered with gravel, becoming the world’s largest public car park, and the White Cliffs of Dover are to be turned into one long urinal in the hope that within ten years, they can be renamed ‘The Yellow Cliffs of Dover’, which 89% of UK citizens believe symbolises modern Britain’s liberal attitude towards the bladder.

In what has been a busy news day, the French ambassador was called to Downing Street where he was told in no uncertain terms that ‘we don’t like you or your bloody smelly cheese’ before the Channel Tunnel was dynamited at the Dover end, signalling the end of the UK’s interest in all things European. Visitors to UK shores are to be exposed to public ridiculing for at least 24 hours before they can leave the airport. To cater to the public’s enjoyment in all forms of xenophobia, BBC2 is to be devoted to special interest programming. Said Horace Hope, the new controller for the channel, ‘we’re looking for new ways to entertain people in new ways of humiliation. We’re hoping to hire Jeremy Beadle and Chris Tarrent to host shows that mock things we don’t understand. We see it as the next big thing in infotainment’.

Tony Blair has been quick to back the new plans, agreeing to have the Queen’s head replaced by a raspberry flavoured hologram of Simon Cowell happy slapping a overweight nobody from Stockton on Tees. Meanwhile Stockton on Tees is to be turned into a wildlife sanctuary where it will be lawful to hunt any teenager displaying individual thought or expressing dissatisfaction with the quality of today’s music. Other popular decisions include the rewriting of the national anthem by three hairdressers voted our of X Factor, and Charlie Dimock has been asked to convert Selby, North Yorkshire, into a water feature. All places of higher education are to be closed or converted into low price tanning salons, and those academics put out of a job are to be told to ‘cheer up’, ‘get and tan’, ‘chill out’, and ‘get a drink inside them’, ‘have a good time’, and ‘stop being such miserable bleeders.’

A surprising result of the latest voting will see Top of the Pops return to our screens, though live interesting bands are to be replaced to naked dancers swinging their breast implants to the beat of the latest American boy group high on sugar, hair gel, and the odour of excitable schoolgirls.

A tour of the UK by Canadian folk singer Leonard Cohen was called off tonight, when the Home Secretary declared him an unwelcome guest on these shores. However, music fans are assured that concerts across the UK won’t be cancelled, as Will Young has kindly agreed to step in at the last minute and will perform a selection of Mr. Cohen’s songs with ‘new upbeat accompaniments’. This news came as Kent was evacuated when a man was found in possession of a book of poetry. The edition of Shelley’s ‘Revolt of Islam’ was destroyed in a controlled explosion. The man has been entered into a local hospital where he’s being reintroduced to the literary greats: J.K. Rowling, Dan Brown, Jilly Cooper, Jackie Collins, and Andy McNab.

Finally, voters have today decided that education in Britain is to change radically as schools abandon ‘boring’ subjects. ‘Jet Skiing’ and ‘Body Piercing’ are to replace Maths and English as the foundation subjects, whilst pupils will be able to choose from an expanded curriculum that includes ‘Happy Slapping’, ‘Txt Spk’, ‘Booty Shaking’, ‘Glamour Modelling’, ‘Doing Cars With Neons’, ‘Dealing with your Elders: Staring, Sneering, and Scaring’, ‘Insult Management’, ‘Hairstyles of the Rich and Famous’, and every child’s favourite course, ‘I Have Talent! Make me a Star, You Bloody Ignorant Bastards!’

In a late breaking development, the UK is to be made into a Republic with Ant & Dec to take the first joint presidency. Speaking to the newly established ‘House of Us Lot’, the chirpy happy-go-lucky Presidents said they were delighted with the state of the nation and declared: ‘Whe-hey the lads!’

The winter solstice came early this year when, due to a timetabling clash with the panto season, Dale Winton had to light Blackpool’s traditional illuminations in September. The ceremony is usually held annually each December to ask the publicity gods to provide another bountiful Summer Season, but it had particular significance this year as Blackpool faces the reality of diminishing visitors, acts which have failed for a second successive year, and the Tory Party conference — usually seen as a time of great fertility — moving away from the resort.

These problems were far from people’s minds as they gathered to watch the ceremony, and from the moment he was dragged before the expectant crowd, it was clear that Dale was delighted to be at the festival. Though he looked a mite uncertain as to his function as he donned the white ceremonial robes, it was clear his illusions were dispelled by the time a large bearded yokel deckchair attendant was tying him into the forty five foot wicker man. The presenter then added to the centuries old tradition by condemning the community as heretics and shouting: ‘I damn you all to bad American remakes, my loves!’ It sent the crowd of 25,000 into raptures. Led by local dignitary, Arch Druid Bernie Clifton, they began to sing the traditional folk songs. Meanwhile, Dale Winton stubbornly chose to sing ‘The Lord’s My Shepard’ but this was soon drowned out as the illuminations came on and the smell of slowly roasting pork, chicken, and Christian, filled the air, bringing to close another successful evening in Blackpool’s long history of providing popular family entertainment.

George Osborne has revealed that a future Conservative government will employ the private sector to build the UK’s first commercial “maglev” railway that will run down the length of Great Britain. The levitation device will work on the power of his personality to lift weights to up thirty two tonnes. Said Mr. Osbourne at a demonstration event in Kent, ‘I can lift nine hundred times my own body weight with just the sheer force of my magnetic charisma.’ Japanese boffins were quick to question such figures. ‘At the most,’ they said, ‘Mr. Osbourne can lift only five hundred times his own body weight. These other claims are sheer fantasy, like some kind of totally falsified news you might read on the internet.’

The Labour Party have been quick to attack the Conservative plan, instead offering one of their very own. Gordon Brown promises that the next Labour Government will offer citizens the opportunity to instantly magic themselves across hundreds of miles, harnessing the power of John Reid’s smile. Japanese boffins were quick to question such figures. ‘John Reid doesn’t have a smile,’ they said.