Discerning children have turned to politics this Halloween in order to put fear in the hearts of adults across the nation. The annual takings from ‘Trick or Treat’ are said to have sky-rocketed as soon as the John Prescott Halloween Mask began to appear on people’s doorsteps earlier this month. Proving to be one of the more popular masks of the season, it has already contributed to making this Halloween the most frightening on record, with churches recording their highest turnouts since ITV aired the Gareth Gates/Will Young finale of Pop Idol in 2002. ‘People are claiming they again believe in the existence of the devil,’ said one Anglican bishop. ‘We’ve also had reports of the dead rising and roaming the land, though we can now attribute this to the news that Cilla Black is back on TV.’

Made from top quality rubber latex and hair shaved from Taiwanese sewer rats, the mask makes use of high-tech production methods to capture the essence of classic zombie horror. Speaking from his factory, the mask’s manufacturer, Lu Wu Hu, explained: ‘the reason the John Prescott mask has been so successful is because we use more rubber in the sagging bags under the eyes than we’d use in a single wolfman mask. Overall, there is more plastic and rubber in a single face than there is in a Nissan Micra.’

Meanwhile, the office of the Deputy Prime Minister has been forced to deny reports that Mr. Prescott is a zombie. ‘Look it’s Halloween and everybody is having fun being scared, but that’s clearly ridiculous,’ said a spokesman. ‘Mr. Prescott is a normal guy who loves cars, big houses, croquet, lovely ladies, and as much raw red meat as can satisfy his ungodly craving for human flesh!’

There was almost universal outrage on Monday as a set of false teeth and a briar pipe belonging to Professor J.R.R. Tolkien went up for sale on eBay. The unknown seller was asking $10,000 dollars for the two items, along with documentation proving their authenticity and their key role in the fashioning of the War of Middle Earth. ‘You can even see where the Professor chewed his pipe as he made the key decision to kill off Golum,’ read the product description. ‘Just think: these are the first teeth to ever utter the words: “My precious…”‘

Tolkien fans have been quick to condemn the sale. ‘This is so utterly monstrous,’ said one member of a Lord of the Rings message board, ‘it could only be the work of the Dark Lord Sauron himself.’ Others were more circumspect. Henry Landis, one of eBay’s fiercest critics and author of eBay Babylon: A Brief History of Knocked Off Gear, confessed that news of the sale had not come as much of a surprise. ‘In the last twelve months, we’ve seen the attempted sale of Charlie Chaplin’s artificial hip, Oliver Hardy’s moustache, and Cary Grant’s plummy English voice box. If anything, I would have thought that false teeth belonging to Tolkien would have brought a higher asking price, especially when a single buckshot chipped molar belonging to Ernest Hemmingway recently went for $25,000 dollars.’

Hopes that the dentures would reach that price ended three hours into the auction when eBay removed the items from their listings. Tolkien experts had raised concerns over the state of the teeth, pointing out that Professor Tolkien’s favourite shag tobacco, known as Old Toby, could not have stained teeth to the extent apparent in the eBay photograph (above). ‘Those are not his teeth,’ said Tolkien authority, Dr. Lewis Plug. ‘They are simply too stained, too crooked, and look almost orcish. As everybody knows, the Professor was actually half Grey elf.’

Comedian Eddie Izzard has outraged fans and critics alike by posing for a photograph in a gentleman’s business suit. The bad taste stunt was condemned by gender watchdogs after he abandoned his usual leather bodysuits, ballerina tutus, and chorus-girl basques in favour of a demur grey worsted suit. ‘This is outrageous,’ said one campaigner who refused to be named. ‘If men like him start to abandon glitzy dresses and sequins, then I’ll know that the world has gone truly mad!’

‘I felt like I wanted to dress like a man,’ explained a defiant Izzard. ‘I shouldn’t have to explain myself except it made me feel comfortable.’ The latest dress choice can come as no surprise to his fans. Izzard has a reputation for having an odd choice of clothes and was recently seen shopping for Y-fronts near his London home.

Tom Cruise has announced plans to star in a biopic based on the life of Star Trek’s favourite humourless half-human half-Vulcan. ‘I think it’s time people knew the truth about Mr. Spock,’ said Cruise, who has already taken to wearing pointed ears in order to get into the role. ‘Far from being a fictional character from a popular TV show, we hope to reveal the real man Vulcan who inspired the series.’

Filming will begin on the film in the New Year but Cruise has already described how he was drawn to play the role. ‘I feel that being an A list celebrity gives me the credentials to play Spock,’ he said. ‘Like all Vulcans, I have no sense of humour and tend to take myself very seriously. Also, being a Scientologist, I’m a master of the mind-meld and I hate all Romulans.’

Reports have finally emerged revealing how Prince Philip made the most of his recent tour of Iraq by taking time to capture the nearby Iranian border town of Ilam. After leading a cavalry charge of a thousand horses and camels, the Prince rode into the town and immediately legalised fox hunting.

In what has been seen as one of the most controversial tour of recent years, the Prince also admitted that he’d been heavily influence by T.E. Lawrence after reading Seven Pillars of Wisdom. Speaking of the delicate balance of power in the region, the Prince was heard to diplomatically admit: ‘Everybody knows that all this bloody trouble’s coming out of Iran, so I’m bloody well going in there and I’ll sort the blighters out. And don’t think I bloody won’t! This is nothing compared with the bloody trouble I’ve had with that bloody Fergie stealing all my bloody meat pies!’

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He’s made many guest appearances in his career but none can be as unusual as George Michael’s latest musical adventure: joining the close harmony super-group, The King Singers. ‘George seemed to have enjoyed himsel,’ said lead King Singer, Lesley King. ‘We did all the pop classics in our usual classy mix of barbershop and choral harmony, and George seemed to find it quite easy to do the low notes, though he still had fun trying to get up the range.’ Praise also appeared to plentiful from King Singer bass singer, Michael King, though microphones could not pick up the ultra-low frequency of his comments.

George himself had nothing but praise the group. ‘I grew up watching them on the Two Ronnies,’ he said. ‘From that, I always knew that I wanted my career to be like musical guests stuck between not-so-funny sketches involving men dressing up as women.’

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Despite all the security that money can buy, a photo of Tom Cruise’s marriage to Katie Holmes has already been leaked onto the web. The photo shows the post-wedding celebrations where Cruise poses with some of his friends from the Church of Scientology. Said Chancellor Gurgle Bloop Bloop of the Zeta-4 delegation: ‘Tom asked us to come down and see him wed his Earth mate and we were quite happy to do so. We were already in the quadrant to destroy the Fribut enclave on Quana 8. We gave Tom their quingoid glands as a wedding present. He seemed genuinely touched.’

Even critics of the actor’s involvement in the church founded by author L. Ron Hubbard admitted that the appearance of aliens goes some way to justifying the religion’s sometimes outlandish claims. ‘Isn’t that Marvin the Martian from the Bugs Bunny cartoons standing next to Tom?’ asked one in an awestruck bystander before approaching to ask for an autograph. It is thought that the diminutive cartoonish actor vapourised the critic with a ray gun which he had borrowed from Marvin the Martian.

Theo Walcott came on as a sub, today, as Her Majesty the Queen pulled out of a visit to Arsenal’s new Emirates stadium because of a back strain. Playing the whole of the second half, Walcott knighted three players, opened the maternity wing of a local hospital, before flying back to Windsor where he greeted the Turkish President. Said Arsene Wenger: ‘the lad shows so much promise, but he’s yet to learn the things that will make him a great ruler. He gets into wide positions but hasn’t quite got the right delivery for state speeches.’

The display comes only months after Walcott attended the World Cup finals in Germany but, unlike many Germans, he failed to get any time on the British throne.

Popular lisping chef, Jamie Oliver, has launched a new campaign to see more fresh ingredients used in the nation’s cooking. ‘Fresh is best,’ said Jamie to schoolchildren in a London school where he was promoting his healthy meals campaign. Jamie also took the opportunity to prepare one of his favourite dishes from his new book, Fresh And Furry.

‘This is quick and easy to make, especially if you’re in a hurry,’ he explained. ‘You simply take three baby penguins, toss in a hamster, and then, for that added zest, one young kitten that’s been stunned with a mallet. That last part’s really important if you don’t want the kitten to eat the penguins before you’ve had a chance to taste them yourself.’ He also took time to respond to recent criticism of his campaigns. ‘When I get my knighthood I’ll go after all my critics and nobody will be able to stop me,’ he said before breaking out into demonic laughter.

On the day that Heather Mills McCartney announced that she intends to sue the national newspapers for defamation of character, there is better news for the wife of former Beatle. Heather has been voted ‘The World’s Most Loved, Treasured, and Worshipped Personality’ by readers of some of the country’s most popular websites. Said celebrity watcher, Horace Twiss: ‘Heather deserves this award for what she’s had to go through in the last few months. I’m so glad she’s won it. Celebrities these days have forgotten what it means to be humble, polite, well balanced, and just… well… gosh it all to darnery… just so bloody marvellous! Heather is all of those things and more. People obviously felt driven to vote for her and offer her their support at this most difficult time. They clearly just wanted to say: Heather, we love you darling!’

The award is often seen as a measure of popularity and of moral goodness, and by the high standards set by Mrs. McCartney this year, some are already saying it is impossible to see how she can’t fail to win it in twelve months time. Said one internet watcher: ‘There has been a hate campaign directed towards her in some sections of the media, but at least the internet is alive with love for her. We know the truth and the truth is that she’s one of the nicest people you could ever meet.’

Meanwhile, Paul McCartney continues to do himself no favours by winning an award for being ‘The World’s Least Liked Personality’. Though he wasn’t present to pick up the statuette in Los Angeles, he did send along his friend Ozzie Osbourne who, in the name of the ex-Beatle, read a speech before biting the head of a cute puppy. [Editor: Though totally unrelated to the story, we thought we better point out that it would appear that Mr. McCartney is not intending to sue newspapers at this time since, for some strange reason, they seem to be taking his side in the ongoing divorce.]