When Madonna appeared on the Oprah show, she knew she had an audience ready to accept the reasons why she decided to adopt a Malawian orphan. Before Madonna came out to do her interview, Oprah had already stunned her studio audience by telling them that she’s bought each of them a Malawian child. ‘After the success I had with buying all my audience a car, I thought I could do the same only with African orphans,’ she said. ‘It’s great to be able to help solve the problems in Africa while also getting good PR for the show.’

It was a gift that clearly surprised Bob Kimberley, of Austin, Texas: ‘I was only in town for the day and a friend gave me a ticket to the Oprah show. Next thing I know, I’m being given a baby and told I had to adopt him. The Lord knows what the wife’s going to say but I don’t expect she’ll be too pleased.

‘Other members of the audience were more grateful. ‘I think he’s got my eyes,’ said Charlotte Webber, from Aspen, Colorado.’I'm just so grateful to Oprah!’ she squealed. ‘I feel just like Madonna and Angelina! My friends are going to be so jealous!’

Ex-Tory leader, Michael Howard, has been interviewed by police as part of the cash for honours enquiry. Howard was interviewed by P.C. Jonathan Harker in his home over the weekend, though the police have been quick to emphasise that Mr. Howard is not himself under investigation. ‘Mr. Howard simply answered questions,’ said P.C. Harker, ‘but his being interviewed is purely routine and we’d like to be sure that nobody makes any false conclusions regarding our enquiries nor Mr. Howard’s ability to walk on the ceiling.’

This is not the first time that Michael Howard has been in the news recently. He figured prominently in a top ten list of the worst satire to be found on the internet. Cheap ’something of the night’ photos were voted the public’s least favourite gag followed by jokes about James Blunt and Jamie Oliver. Speaking anonymously, one would-be humorist admitted: ‘I know Michael Howard has been done as Dracula a thousand times before, but it never fails to make me smile. And it has been a funny few days… I hope my sense of humour returns tomorrow.’

The government has defended its plans to introduce a new range of Gatso speed cameras onto British roads. The cameras come armed with twin multiple-rocket pods and a heat seeking missile capable of disabling a vehicle nearly thirty miles from the point where a speeding offence was committed. ‘This is a deterrent,’ said transport secretary, Douglas Alexander. ‘If drivers know that they face the risk of being hit by a high explosive ordinance, they might think a little more carefully about speeding. And with a thirty mile range, we can have highly trained controllers review the tapes before they decide to fire the missiles.’

Leaked government figures have revealed that they expect nearly 2000 casualties each year as a direct result of the new speed cameras, but they projections also estimate that accidental deaths will drop by nearly 4000. Said a transport expect, ‘these might seem a bit dramatic but in real terms, Britain’s roads will be safer.’

Parents have expressed concern about the BBC children’s show, Teletubbies, as one of the cute little dumpy creatures continues to carry a suitcase in every episode of the new series. ‘We don’t even know what’s in it,’ said concerned viewer, Mohamed ElBaradei, ‘and until we’re given a chance to have a look, there will always be questions about the suitability of this show for a global audience.’

Unlike Tinky Winky, Dipsy, and Laa-Laa, the character of Kim Jong-Po has been criticised by many viewers who believe the character is two pints short of a bowl of Tubby custard, but a spokesman for the cult character says: ‘Eh oh. Ah ha! Uranium! Eya Oh. Maa… Boom!!!’

Iain Dale gets the hat-tip for breaking the fantastic news that Yoko Ono is to edit an edition of the Today programme, on BBC Radio 4. The first pictures have been released of rehearsals for the show, which Ono promises will be the first attempt to fuse contemporary art with a news magazine. ‘This is so much fun, John would have loved it,’ she said, before spray painting presenter James Naughtie silver and asking him to recite Wallace Stevens‘ ‘Anecdote of the Jar’ with an egg whisk in his ear. Speaking after he spent much of the morning riding a specially trained art chicken, John Humphries admitted to feeling a bit nervous. ‘The chicken is harder to control than a government minister set on full spin,’ he said, ‘but at least it doesn’t leave its droppings all over the studio.’

The EU has launched a new logo to mark its 50th anniversary. Said designer, Claude Paul Crumb, the logo ’symbolises the European Union as we’ve come to know it after all this time. It’s like a long long friendship you formed with somebody you never particularly liked in the first place. You get know their every habit, their every gesture, and even what they’re going to say before they say it. In a little way, it’s very similar to contempt and that’s the emotion I wanted people to feel whenever they look at it. Feeling contempt for your neighbours is exactly what it means to be European.’
EU Commissioner Peter Mandelson was quick to praise the logo. ‘Lovely, lovely, lovely,’ he said. ‘Of course, 1957 was a good year, but not as good as 1953 when a certain fine grape was plucked in London before being pressed and aged to become a certain Chateau Mandelson, loved by all, admired by the many, but a bit too fruity for the British palate.’

Police today confirmed that a middle-aged bachelor, known to live alone with his dog, might have held grudges towards senior members of the Labour government. Neighbours of Mr. David Blunkett (59) expressed their surprise that the former Home Secretary could be suspected of wishing people mown down in a hail of machinegun fire. ‘He seemed so nice,’ said Mrs. Aimee Pritchard (84). ‘He was never any trouble, though he rarely acknowledged you when you met him in the street. He tended to keep to himself. He also had lots of lady callers. We always thought it a bit odd. Now I come to think of it, he was a bit strange, wasn’t he?’

Police are continuing with their enquiries.

The government has announced plans to allow GPs to perform operations in their local surgeries, thereby helping to reduce the chronic shortages within NHS hospitals. The plans, announced by the Health Secretary, Patricia Hewitt, on Monday, include the installation of so-called flat-pack operating theatres within the grounds of GPs’ surgeries.

Looking somewhat alarming like a normal garden shed, the sterile environment of the theaters contain the very latest medical equipment including bent nails to hang things on, a Black and Decker dual-height workbench, a discarded clothes line that no longer twists in the wind, and a pair of old Wellington boots that now leak but will be fixed the next time somebody remembers to buy some rubber glue.

‘This is a breakthrough in what we can get done at a local level,’ said Hewitt as she toured the first of the so called ‘Hewitt Huts’ in Bromley, Kent. ‘I can already imagine patients coming in here to have their hemorrhoids or varicose veins fixed.’ Asked if she would like to have a delicate hemorrhoid operation performed with a rusty pair of pliers, Hewitt replied: ‘I think if I was in pain, I wouldn’t care what the doctor used, but you can also be sure that the government is committed to provide every doctor in Britain with their own pair of pliers and that is a real improvement, in the surgery, for real patients, asll thanks to a Labour government.’

Patrick Moore, Britain’s foremost monocled astronomer, was quick to defend Earth’s satellite. ‘This is intolerable,’ he said, ‘the Moon has been up there a good deal longer than any religion and it will be there a good deal longer too.’

Mr. Moore’s remarks brought a swift condemnation from senior figures of many different faiths that use the moon in their iconography. ‘The BBC should not be making a program that is so obviously meant to offend religious sensibilities,’ said Felicity Twain, senior member of the Church of the Full Moon. Demanding that the BBC cancel The Sky at Night, the Arch-Dairymaid added: ‘This programme espouses nothing but religious hatred against those of use who believe in the milky goodness of our celestial cheese mother. This is religious lactose intolerance.’