Private Eye is to launch a new, full colour, celebrity edition from this month. Said editor, Ian Hislop, ‘this is our attempt to break out of the narrow market segment we’ve been occupying since the magazine was first created back in 1961. We hope that by mixing our satire with more worthwhile features about fashion, lifestyle, and the lives of the rich and famous, we’ll be appealing to a broader audience.’

Fans of the old magazine have been reassured that the new Private Eye Glossy will not be replacing their usual fortnightly publication. ‘We’ve no plans on phasing out the plain Private Eye,’ Hislop assured his readers. ‘In fact, we see the two publications complimenting each other. The only significant change we’re introducing is to make Colemanballs exclusive to the glossy edition, and to replace it in the Eye with a regular fashion column written by Jade Goody’s mother. We think this is an exciting time for Private Eye and our readers.’

At a time when the publishing sector is being squeezed by content delivered over the internet, magazines are looking for new ways to appeal to the shrinking market. Only this month, Viz announced that it is currently in merger talks with Hello Magazine.

The Labour Party have been strongly criticised by parliamentarians across the political spectrum for releasing videos on YouTube which show senior politicians lampooning their opponents. The attacks are now set to hasten calls for Tony Blair to leave office as, tonight, a new video emerged of the Prime Minister ridiculing the Head of the Army, General Sir Richard Dannatt who has recently criticised the government’s policy towards Iraq. In the webcam video, Blair is seen dressed in the outfit of an Army general and wearing the same Yul Brynner skullcap that Cherie Blair wore at Elton John’s Christmas party last year. Mr. Blair can be seen walking up and down making strange noises whilst in the background, Gordon Brown drinks from a can of cheap cider whilst cheering on rebel hoardes during the battle scenes in Braveheart.

A spokesman for the National Union of Satirists condemned the government for reducing the status of professional comedians, humorists, quip-makers, wits, and wags. ‘We professional satirists have enough trouble trying to stop amateurs giving satire a bad name on piddling little Internet websites,’ said Arthur Strummer from the Comedy Store in London. ‘But the government’s attempts to be funny are woeful. The last time we saw something this bad, we had to rip up Les Dennis’ union card.’

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There were fears for the future of the current England manager after last night’s dismal 2-0 defeat to Croatia. Appearing at a post-match press conference, Steve McLaren seemed on edge, sweated profusely, and sported what onlookers described as a turnip shaped ‘pro-tuber-ence’ on his head. ‘I don’t know where it come from,’ said McLaren when quizzed about what is an unusually early crop in any manager’s career. ‘That second goal went went in and I was thinking of ways we might covertly slip Steven Gerarrd into a more orthodox 4-4-2. Then, bugger me, Frank Lampard went and passed the ball to one of our players! It’s then that I got this splitting headache. I turned to Terry and he points to my head and said “What the bloody hell’s that?” Next thing I know, I started to feel… How shall we say… a little bit “root vegetable”?’

Later, assistant manager Terry Venables admitted to reporters: ‘The team doctor has now confirmed that Steve has suffered an allergic reaction to tonight’s defeat.’ He went on: ‘Personally, I would have thought being in charge of Middlesbrough, Steve would have grown immune to losing, but there you go. I’m no medical man.’

As calls for the manager’s resignation increase, an unknown Swedish manager has emerged as the leading candidate to take over the England job. Said a source within the FA: ‘We’ve got somebody in mind and I think every fan will like our choice. At least this guy knows how to win qualifying matches.’

Chancellor Gordon Brown today suffered another setback to his leadership hopes as children’s toy stores across the country refused to stock his new ‘Gordon’ party playtime doll. Said retail spokesperson, Mandy Simmonds: ‘We’ve conducted the usual tests and we’ve discovered it just isn’t suitable for any kind of party.’ The Chancellor had hoped that the toy would help soften the image he’s built up as the ‘Iron Chancellor’. ‘Well perhaps they shouldn’t have made it of iron,’ added Miss Simmonds. ‘This thing could damage a child’s foot if they dropped it.’ The toy weighs in at a heft fourteen stone but stands only fifteen inches high, causing some in Downing Street to mistake it for the Deputy PM.

Meanwhile, Tony Blair refused to endorse the Chancellor’s doll, citing his own range of the Bendy Tony doll as the preferred choice for parties everywhere. ‘I mean, come on guys. Just twist its arm and it’ll do anything you ask.’

Sky News viewers have condemned the channel’s use of news alert banners during the ongoing crisis over North Korea’s nuclear ambitions. During yesterday afternoon’s broadcast, the President of the United States was reduced to one eyebrow and well-coiffeured fringe of hair as the banners covered the majority of the screen.

‘It’s been pretty bad for the last twelve months,’ said Mike Leigh, one of the channel’s more ardent viewers. ‘Sometimes a breaking news banner can be on the screen all day, but I say it’s hardly breaking news when it’s five hours after the event. Yesterday really took the biscuit, though. All I could hear was the President’s voice. I couldn’t see him. There were so many banners, they stopped me seeing the very thing they were telling me to watch.’

This rebellion by a normally loyal audience comes only a month after a viewer’s group criticised the channel for reducing the amount of news it covers. ‘Years ago, you’d only get the news repeated every hour,’ said Mr. Leigh, ‘but now, it’s the same bloody headlines every fifteen minutes. Sometimes it feels like they only cover the same half a dozen stories in a day. A bit of variety would be nice.’

Home Secretary, John Reid, today outlined plans to ease prison overcrowding. The Give A Yob A Home initiative will see ordinary households across the UK open their doors to prisoners deemed low risk. ‘By living in the homes of ordinary members of the public, prisoners will be set a better example and help towards their rehabilitation,’ said Mr. Reid. Later in the day he went to see a pilot scheme that has been in operation for the last twelve months in Ridley, East Somerset. Within the local community, a category ‘B’ prisoner, nicknamed ‘Dog’, has been placed in the home of seventy three year old pensioner, Doris Manley.

‘Dog been such a love,’ said Mrs. Manley. ‘He sorted out that problem I had with the window cleaner. And then he helped raise money for the local church. We had hoped for a new steeple but Dog is very persuasive. He’s raised enough money for a new steeple, a church bus, and a bungalow in Spain. We’re the envy of every church in the area.’

Success hadn’t helped TV funnyman Johnny Vegas to lose weight. Until now, that is… After a crash diet consisting of nothing but pickled onions and raw herring, Johnny revealed his new shape at a charity swimwear exhibition in London on Monday. ‘I couldn’t have done it without the help of my celebrity friends,’ said Johnny, adding: ‘It’s a fake tan but it’s the same old Vegas.’ After admitting to a craving for pork scratchings he said: ‘But at least you can’t make fun of me any more because I’m fat!’

Asked about his striking resemblance to David Hasselhoff, Vegas’s confidence crumbled: ‘Oh, is that supposed to be funny?’ he bellowed. ‘You make fun of me because I look like the Knight Rider? So clever that is… But you don’t see me when I go home to my bedsit and go to sleep crying. Oh no. You just like to ridicule those of us who look like the Hoff.’

The BBC tried to put the troubles of one its stars behind them as they launched their new channel idents this week. The new graphics, shown between programmes, are all based around the concept of the circle. ‘Some people say that the circle represents a globe, just like the old BBC logo,’ explained a spokesperson. ‘Yet although each graphic uses a circle as its basic design element, we like to think the circle represents a wedding ring. And just like a marriage, we stand behind our talented stars. We accept that their greatness sometimes comes with a certain amount of folly, but they have a private life that doesn’t stop them from fulfilling their duties for the BBC.’

Graham Norton has made the astonishing admission that he loves taking rugs. ‘It’s an addiction for quality floor covering,’ he explained to Good Housekeeping Magazine. ‘Just hearing the word axminster gets me so excited I just want to go out right away and buy myself lots and lots of rugs.’

The world of celebrity is notorious for its history of surface abuse so experts have already warned Mr. Norton to curb his passion for the shagpile. ‘It’s usually just a fashion thing with these celebrities,’ said Harry Green, an expert in knotted pile addiction from Allied Carpets. ‘They love a nice bit of rug under their feet. After they’ve enjoyed the initial hit of feeling their toes go warm, they settle down and the rugs just become an integral part of their lifestyle. Before they know it, they’re into buying the expensive Persian stuff and that’s when they have a full blown addiction.’

The former leader of the Tory Party recently met his successor to discuss the progress the party have made towards establishing itself as an alternative to the Labour government. In this touching exchange, we are priviledged to witness the decision making process at its most intimate as an old-hand in the political underworld passes on his advice to the man tasked with making the family party ‘legit’ within three years. (Hat tip to The Injured Cyclist for suggesting we should listen in to this conversation)

DON HOWARD

Brown will move against you first. He’ll set up a meeting with someone that you absolutely trust, guaranteeing your safety. And at that meeting, your character will be assassinated. (DON drinks from glass of wine) I like to drink wine more than I used to… Anyway, I’m drinking more than Charles Kennedy these days…

DAVID

It’s good for you, Pop. You’re just like a journalist.
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