On the face of it, the BBC’s new show for Saturday nights is a winner, making up in delivery for what it lacks in originality. Ainsley Harriet’s Taste of Celebrity is a reality show that uses the well-worn formula of putting public figures in unusual situations. Each week, the highly rated gourmet will lie in wait outside the home or offices of a well-know celebrity and then jump out at them and attempt to lick them with his infamous twelve inch tongue. ‘I then tell the viewers what the celebrity tastes like,’ explained Ainsley. ‘What’s great about this show is that it shares with all great TV a simple premise with the opportunity for us to repackage it and make a fortune selling it to foreign markets.’

If Ainsley is upbeat about the show, others have been more cautious about the BBC’s latest example of popular programming. ‘I really didn’t know what to expect,’ said Paul Daniels, Ainsley’s first victim on the series premiere to be shown this week. ‘I’d just enjoyed a lovely night out at the theatre with Debbie and, the next thing I know, I can feel something warm and wet crawling over my scalp. They tell me that they haven’t got room at the BBC for people with my skills, but they pay this chap a fortune to go around licking people. It doesn’t make sense. And I’ll tell you what: it most certainly ain’t magic!’

Critics of the show are quick to make the same point. ‘Where’s the entertainment value in licking a celebrity?’ asks food critic Paul Gerard. ‘Except for a few notable exceptions, they all taste like normal people, and it’s not as though you can have a palate for celebrity; preferring, let’s say, a 1976 Les Dawson to the 2005 Graham Norton.’

But Ainsley Harriet remains determined that his new show will be a success. ‘With all those lovely celebrities for me to lick, you bet I can’t wait,’ he said while promoting the show in London. ‘Come on ladies! You watch old Ainsley lick a few of your fave stars. I’ll tell you what they taste like and then I’ll tell you what wine you should be drinking when you’re watching them. Smashing!’

It has now become part of television history, a classic for all blooper reels, but Tony Blair’s memorable performance on children’s TV show, Blue Peter, is to be the highlight of a retrospective of his career shown on BBC this week.

Recently voted the funniest TV moment, it was the performance by a clearly bored Deputy Prime Minister that made the episode so very special. Few will forget the look on the Prime Minister’s face as his deputy defecated on the floor before dragging his unfortunate handler across the studio. ‘He was too powerful for me,’ said zookeeper and elephant warden on the day, Gordon Brown from London Zoo. ‘I can laugh now but I never saw it coming, even though little Prezza had been eating nothing but beans and bamboo all morning.’

As part of his gradual acclimatization to the royal duties of a future king, Prince William recently invited a few of his showbiz friends to a bingo night inside the grounds of Windsor Castle. Among a crop of double A list celebrities attending were Noel Edmunds, Jimmy Carr, Jamie Oliver, and Geri Halliwell. ‘It was a charity event and the Prince was glad to have the support of a few of his closest friends,’ said a Palace spokesman. Speaking after the event, former Spice Girl, Geri Halliwell — known to her friends as Gerald — admitted that ‘I’m useless at bingo, though I did manage to win a leg of lamb. Noel won the most though he kept annoying us by asking if we’d like to take the money or have a look in his box.’

As well as providing some light relief for celebrities who face stressful everyday lives, the evening also raised money for the Luton Home for the Criminally Indifferent. ‘I’ve got to get around to Gerald’s house to show her how to cook lamb, but let me just say that ten pounds and seventy three pence will be whisking its way to Luton to help fund a day out,’ said Jamie Oliver, who is a patron of the charity. Meanwhile, a resident of the home, when told of the donation, just shrugged his shoulders and said ‘Meh…’

President George W. Bush today reached an agreement with the European Union and the British Goverment to close down the enemy combatants holding camp. In return for the agreement, President Blair agreed to send over the 100 tory A listers for indefinite confinement inside the camp. Surprisingly the agreement was welcomed by all three main political parties. An unnamed Tory source commented ‘Frankly we’re fed up of hearing about this smug bunch of egoists. I’m sure they’ll feel at home over there in Cuba, especially the ex Public School boys who will feel at home in the cages. They’ll all have a copy of The Telegraph to read in their cell so we won’t be depriving them of their religious rights. Whether we let them out in time for the next election in 3 years is for discussion later. We’re pretty sure they’re not going to be missed!’ (Written by our cycling correspondent, The Injured Cyclist)

As we exclusively predicted on Tuesday, the Tory Party conference came to a surprising-as-it-was-spectacular conclusion, today, as Oliver Letwin and David Willetts tapped themselves into a frenzy to the sound of Chuck Purley and his Big Brass Orchestra.

Never before had the Bournemouth Palladium Ballroom and Lapdance Centre seen moves quite like this, and even seasoned dancers were amazed by the fleet feet belonging to the brains behind the Tory fiscal strategy. An exhausted Mr. Letwin later admitted that even he was surprised at how well they’d done. ‘It’s a matter of getting the counting right,’ he explained. ‘ You know, one two three, emphasis on the three. Luckily, David’s a bit of a whiz when it come to the numbers but all last week I was going one three two with the emphasis on the four. I’m just glad that we got it right on the night and that no harm was done.’

Mr. Willetts remained less than impressed and only proved himself to be more of a perfectionist. ‘Never again!’ he gasped. ‘Oliver is the worst dancer I’ve ever had the misfortune to partner. He doesn’t know a shim sham from a black bottom. Next year, I’m going to get David Davis on the floor. The man’s seasoned SAS. Perfect tapdancing material.’

Boris Johnson was detained outside the Tory Party conference in Bournemouth, yesterday, after police spotted him waving a twenty-two inch Hungarian sausage and wearing a meat hat. He was stopped under new police powers that make it a crime to distribute, own, or desire saturated fats within three miles of a child. Said Johnson: ‘I stand by my sausage. Simple as that. What’s this country come to when a man can’t publicly display his love for home grown ham, fine British beef, and the odd ravishing rasher of the guys with the curly whirly tails?’

This is the latest episode in Mr. Johnson’s increasingly outspoken campaign against the health plans of Government food czar, Jamie Oliver. ‘You can’t force tofu on an Englishman,’ cried Johnson as he and his meat were led away for questioning. His last words before being forced into the back of the police van were: ‘Meat and potato pies until I die!’ and ‘Free the salami seven!’

Fat Boy Slim’s refusal to allow the Conservative Party to use his song, ‘Funk Soul Brother’, has embarrassed George Osbourne at the party conference in Bournemouth. Osbourne’s appearance on the stage wearing a two foot afro was ‘meant to symbolize how far the party has come in broadening its appeal to a younger and more ethnically diverse audience,’ explained a spokesman. ‘The plan was for him to lead the shadow cabinet in a dance out of the hall, just like they do in the video to Mr. Slim’s most enjoyable tune. Without it, all we had was the afro and an old Lonny Donnigan LP. They didn’t really go together…’

Said one Tory supporter who was in the hall for the shadow chancellor’s speech: ‘He looked like poor-pictures cheaply and unprofessionally layered over an image of himself. It was a poor show indeed.’

Tories are only taking comfort in the knowledge that tomorrow promises a spectacular conclusion to the conference as Oliver Letwin and David Willets tap dance in an all-star tribute to the Big Band sound in conservative thinking. ‘At least we’ve got the rights to use that music,’ said chief Tory choreographer, Edith Middins. ‘Oliver’s got a lovely turn of the ankle and though he refuses to talk about tax, David Willets will be more than happy to talk about taps.’

James Blunt has topped the list of the most popular funeral tunes in the UK. Said a spokesman for the Associated Union of Morticians and Mortuary Workers: ‘Our customers tell us that by choosing to play James Blunt songs during the actual funeral service, they are sending a message to their newly departed loved ones that they’re going to a much better place. A much much better place where they don’t have to listen to James Blunt’s music…’

In related news, psychics have been reporting a huge drop in the number of contacts they’ve made with the ‘other side’. Since 2005 and the release of ‘You’re Beautiful‘, there have been over 93% less seances reporting actual contact with the spiritual realm. ‘For some reason, they’re afraid to contact the mortal world,’ said Mrs. Iris Bent, a medium of twenty years experience. ‘It’s like there’s some force that’s keeping them away…A force of such terror that even the fiercest poltergeists have been known to go screaming back into the light whenever they come across it.’

Second in the list was ‘We Will Rock You’ by Queen.

(Click for bigger)

Ex-footballer, movie hard-man, and the award-winning screenwriter of ‘Brokeback Mountain’, Vinnie Jones, has declared his hopes to win a seat for the Conservative Party in the near future. Said Jones: ‘I’m a straight talking guy who ain’t like your average Tory candidate. I’m from the mean streets, handy with my fists, and never run away from a fight. I also believe in an essentially Burkean model of conservative governance, as outlined in his treatise “Reflections On the Revolution in France”, in which the march of progress is always moderated by a rational understanding of older forms of knowledge passed down to us through the ages.’

Jones was speaking from his favourite dog track in East London where he was presenting awards to the nation’s best whippet breeders. Admiring the form of champion dog, ‘Speedy Ted Bovis III’, he explained: ‘In many ways, being a Tory is a lot like being a whippet: we’re lean, mean, election winning machines but in the past few years we’ve been hindered from running our best, as though somebody had wrapped a rubber band around our testicles. But now we’re free and with a passion for rabbit.’