It is this year’s surprise hit among computer consoles, but already the casualties from the Nintendo Wii are mounting. At a London party ahead of the console’s European launch next week, Paris Hilton ignored advice warning her to wear the controller’s wrist-strap. While playing the ten pin bowling game, the Wii remote becoming embedded four inches into Paris’ head, leaving her to make a 7-10 split. She laughed off the injury and partied for an additional four hours before worried minders rushed her to the local Accident and Emergency.

‘Paris is fine,’ her agent later said. ‘She’s suffered a very mild four inch cavity in the side of her head but doctors think she’ll be able to hide it through good styling.’ A spokesperson for Nintendo deny that the console is dangerous but was quick to highlight the build quality of the Wii remote. ‘We’ve tested it by dropping it onto concrete,’ they said, ‘but this has to be the best indication that the Wii is built to last.’

Tony Blair is set to offer students a chance to avoid having to study for the dreaded ‘A’ levels. By choosing to pay a study levy, teenagers will be able to lounge around the house while children in poor third world countries will do the work for them.

Based on the the emissions trading scheme, which sees the rich industrialised nations buying unused emission credits from less developed nations, the ‘lessons trading scheme’ should prove a popular route into university for many students who would still be spending their undergraduate years learning to spell, construct grammatical sentences, and do rudimentary calculus. A university spokesperson who refused to be named said: ‘Given that most of them would learn very little by doing an A level, their paying to not study isn’t going to make much of a difference.’

Clearly hoping that his policies will prove popular with a new generation of voters, Mr. Blair praised the scheme by explaining that ‘this way, our teenagers get to do what they like doing the best, while we help increase the education standards in poorer countries.’ When asked if he thought it would increase the levels of teenager apathy, illiteracy, and anti-social behaviour, the Prime Minister shrugged his shoulders and said ‘who cares?’

The Prison Service has announced that it will be forced to lock some prisoners in their own homes as the numbers of people convicted of crimes in the UK looks to rise in the coming year. The scheme will involve only those lower categories of criminals involved in embezzlement, fake loans, and other forms of corruption, and will build on successful trials that have been running successfully throughout Europe.

Yet the plans for the temporary accommodation have already led to predications that there will be a rise in the number of jail breaks, often involving elaborate schemes where prisoners dress up like spiritual gurus or dig tunnels from rose gardens. Actors and director, Lord Richard Attenborough, has been one of the first to criticise the plans, recollecting when similar schemes were put into operation in the war. ‘We use to escape all the time in the 1940s,’ he said. ‘We’d usually get a very broad Scot, usually called Gordon who couldn’t speak a word of German, and dress him up in a guard’s uniform and make him walk around while sentries asked him to light their cigarette. In the meantime, the rest of us — who could speak fluent German, of course — would sneak off dressed as a wooden vaulting horse. Somewhere along the line, somebody would go a bit crazy and make a dash for it and get shot and the rest of us would end up in solitary. Usually, though, one of us would finally escape and make it to the Swiss border where we’d make ourselves comfortable with some cheese and a buxom milk maid high up there in the Alps.’

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Scientists believe they had discovered the cause of Peter Hain’s unprecedented level of finger-pointing after the Northern Ireland secretary’s latest outburst put extra strain on the Anglo-Russian relationship over the weekend. A chemical identified as the chief ingredient in Mr. Hain’s spray-on suntan has caused a rare form of gigantism in his hands, which, according to experts, makes it impossible for the poor man to stop pointing his fingers at people.

‘It looks like he’s always pointing out the faults in other people, but this is a real medical condition,’ said Dr. Ralph Soper, head of Gigantism Research at the University of London. ‘Mr. Hain is one of those people who make up a small fraction of the population who suffer a reaction to this chemical. We hope that the gigantism can be reversed with the right treatment but we should be prepared for more finger pointing in the short-to-medium term. His hands are the size of large frying pans and with fingers that big, he will find it impossible to be his usual diplomatic self.’

The Vatican confirmed, late Sunday night, that scholars are searching the ancient texts for clues as to where and when the three remaining horsemen of the apocalypse might appear after it was confirmed that Take That have returned to the top spot of the UK charts. Said theologian and ex-BBC DJ, Brother David ‘Diddy’ Hamilton, from his retreat at the Grey Monk’s Priory, Clacton-on-Sea: ‘the guys have surprised conventional wisdom within the industry. The only people to predict this is the writer of a fragment found in the Gnostic gospels. I refer, of course, to the mystical Testament of Wogan which speaks of dark days when a Mancunian band will awaken and walk among the living. I never thought they’d manage it without Robbie Williams but it seems the papyrus never lies. We should all now spend time praying for our souls.’

The number one hit single, ‘Patience’, has now been retrospectively interpreted as a song about waiting for judgement day and has been added to the Vatican’s library of banned books and recordings. The band remain unrepentant. ‘We never intended that the world should end,’ said baby-faced singer and omen of doom, Mark Owen. ‘We just wanted to make a record in a cheerful key yet including a horn solo for our friend Gabriel.’

Prime Minister Tony Blair has revealed that some of his ancestors were neolithic cave dwellers who wore no clothes and took part in the mass eradication of the the sabre-toothed tiger and the woolly mammoth. In a speech at London Zoo, Mr. Blair apologised to the world’s population of elephants and tigers for the involvement Britain had in wiping out their relatives. ‘We were a nomadic people and we didn’t know what we were doing,’ he said. ‘And for that, we are truly sorry.’

The latest announcement has already been criticised by Blair’s opponents as another attempt by the Prime Minister to take the moral high ground and make empty apologies for actions committed generations ago. It is an accusation he has strongly denied. ‘It is part of our nature to take the high ground,’ he said. ‘We are a nation of hunter gatherers and we still seek an advantage over the deer and the antelope. When the fire god rises in the sky, we take our spears and fight the great mammoth and the vicious creature with the big white teeth we call Gordon.’

Okay, we’re back. And let’s just pretend the last couple of days didn’t happen. The picture of Paul McCartney playing cricket didn’t get on the front page of Fark, there was no sudden surge in visitors, and there was no corrupted database. Let’s also pretend I didn’t have a nervous breakdown and suggest to the salesman in my local computer shop what he could with his Wii controller. And while we’re about it… Let’s pretend I was visited by at least a few visitors from Fark who understand cricket. And let’s pretend that one kind person on the Fark boards didn’t refer to this site as ‘the least entertaining they’d ever visited’.

I should say that I bless the good people at Site5 for having a backup and answering all my questions over the last couple of days. I’ve learned many valuable lessons about keeping a backup.

I hope to back to my boring self on Monday.

And please remember: nothing happened.

Search parties are working into the late hours to locate a team of BBC television cameramen who have gone missing in Peter Mandelson’s new £2.4 million London home. It’s thought that the team strayed deep into the bowels of the house without the proper maps and equipment, and after ignoring the advice of guides. Rescuers say there’s a good chance the team will be found alive but it might take days given the alterations Mr. Mandelson has recently had done to his kitchen. Rescuers will have to work there way through an as yet uncharted dinette.

‘It’s unknown territory,’ admitted Doug McSeal, an ex-SAS sergeant major now working for the rescue services. ‘We’re dealing with lots of nooks and crannies and some of those caverns are the size of concert halls. The last time I had to deal with something as tough as this, I was in Torra Borra surrounded by thousands of Afghan tribesmen.’ Looking towards yet another mountain of suede and fake-fur throw cushions he’d have to negotiate before the night’s done, the old solider turned misty eyed. ‘Believe me, sometimes I wish I were still back there, being shot at by the Afghans,’ he said.

Hat tip: The Devil’s Kitchen

In events recalling Dennis Lillee’s notorious aluminium cricket bat, the Ashes series opened with the Australian team complaining about the new high-tech bat being used by the English tourists. ‘It’s cheating!’ said Australian captain, Ricky Ponting. ‘It completely takes all the legside fielders from the game. There’s no need for a leg slip, a leg gully, square leg, not even a third leg…’ Clearly distraught, Australia’s Justin Langer lamented the effect the new bat would have on the batsman’s game. ‘There’ll be no leg glances, no leg drives, and none of those lovely chances to tickle the ball off the legs.’ Meanwhile, the English team have insisted that the new bat doesn’t contravene the laws of the game. ‘We love it, yeah, yeah, yeah,’ said an unrepentant Andrew Flintoff.

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Members of the Conservative Party are being urged to put Polly Toynee dolls in the rear windows of their cars in order to show their support for the party’s new softer policies. The initiative comes as policy adviser Greg Clark suggests that the party should adopt more of the ideas of the Guardian columnist who ’supplies imagery that is more appropriate for Conservative social policy in the 21st century.’Churchill was funny for a while and everybody laughed when he nodded his head,’ said Mr. Clark. ‘But let’s face it: he grew old, very quickly, and has been made to look outdated by newer novelty dolls. I advise Tories to think long and hard about adopting a Toynbee since I think she’ll be very big this Christmas. But if they think they can’t manage it, they could always buy a Garfield doll to stick to their car’s window, though if they choose this route, they stand the risk of being confused for a Liberal Democrat.’