British Airways have welcomed the news that employee, Nadia Eweida, has lost her appeal in which she demanded that she be allowed to continue to wear a crucifix. BA responded to the news by announcing that they will be removing all Christian symbolism for their planes. First to go will be the traditional crucifix shape to BA’s fleet of jumbo jets, with one wing and a tail fin disappearing in the new look jumbo, making the airline the first to adopt the so-called ‘multi-faith jets’ entering service next year.

The press release from BA said: ‘With this new design, we compromise on the amount of lift we can generate but we gain so much more by ensuring that we don’t offend anybody viewing one of our planes from the ground and who might have been otherwise shocked at seeing a cross flying above them.’

Parents groups have come together to condemn the latest video game sensation, ‘Bully’, or ‘Canis Canem Edit’ as it is known in the UK, accusing it of providing children with a bad example of how to achieve success. The latest violent game from the makers of Grand Theft Auto follows the uncompromising quest for power of a tough Scottish schoolboy as he tries to become top dog at a famous British private school. Using the skills he learnt on the streets, he has to face down the school’s other bullies and rise to become leader of the pack. Critics have noted the character’s skinhead haircut and constant angry sneer as setting a fashion trend that is being copied in the UK’s school yards. ‘I wouldn’t want a son of mine to come home looking like that,’ said London housewife, Mrs. Cherie Blair. ‘That kind of loutish behaviour is not tolerated in this house.’

Chancellor Gordon Brown has made a surprise visit to Iraq and has admitted to the BBC that ‘nobody was more surprised than I was to find myself in this bloody place’. Mr. Brown described suddenly finding himself in the middle of a war zone as ‘a bit of a shock’ but ‘not half as bad as some of the meetings I’ve had with Tony in the last few months’.

According to the Chancellor, he was due to meet Home Secretary John Reid at eleven o’clock this morning when the appointment was moved to a room on the fifth floor of the Home Office building. Speaking from central Baghdad, he explained: ‘I was only supposed to going to a finance meeting but when I went in the room, it was completely dark. At first I thought it might have been some kind of surprise party. I was waiting for the lights to come on and for everybody to leap out shouting “surprise”. Only the next thing I hear was the sound of nails being hammered into wood. It didn’t take me long before I realised I was being nailed into a crate. It must have been one of those mix ups they’re always having over there at the Home Office.’

Meanwhile, a senior member of the Integrations Service could not deny reports that the Chancellor might not be allowed back into the country. They refused to make any comment saying that it was ‘a decision for the Home Office to make.’

Dressed in his favourite lime green trunks with red tassels and smelling vaguely of heat rub, Chancellor Gordon Brown opened a sports hall in Essex on Thursday before spending half an hour demonstrating his range of punches on the heavy bag. The event was the latest high profile engagement for the Chancellor who is seen as the favourite to succeed Tony Blair to the Light Heavyweight Belt. Refusing to answer questions, Mr. Brown finished with a light sparring session with a group of refugees before chasing a chicken around a courtyard and then running five miles chased by children before sprinting up some steps and starting to scream wildly as he waved his arms in the air. Critics in the Tory party suggested that Mr. Brown’s grip on reality is getting increasingly rocky.

U2 singer has greeted the return of his favourite stetson by wearing at a concert in New York. ‘The little fella really missed his hat,’ said guitarist The Edge before going out on stage. ‘You just have to see him running around out there to realise how much that big hat means to him.’ The judge speaking at the close of the nine month trial, had personally visited the stadium to hand the singer his hat back, saying: ‘Bless your little heart for now you can be truly content’.

The three foot five inch star has owned the hat since childhood and has even had a special window cut out of the front for microphone access. Speaking after the gig, a beaming Bono said: ‘Phew, that hat rocks! I love it man. I love it more than a village of the poor in some far off land. Though they rock too!’

Microsoft’s new Zune MP3 player was launched on Tuesday, with crowds queueing around the block to dump their sleek iPods for the… er… distinctive… hmmm… square screen?

While those in the know might choose to go for the Creative Labs Zen Vision:M, with its longer battery life and better video quality, the Microsoft player is destined to become a fashion accessory for accountants and workers in the construction industry. An industry spokesman praised the machine for its rugged good looks. In tests, the machine was left playing the latest Justin Timberlake MP3 while it was dropped onto solid concrete from a height of five hundred feet. The player was destroyed in the impact but its sound quality is said to have improved.

Channel 4 admit they’re taking a gamble on their choice of new Countdown host, but TV bosses insist that this is the only way that new talent will make it to the UK screens. The search for a new host has been one fraught with difficulties, as we reported earlier in the year, but the choice of O’Connor is seen as a brave one.

74-year-old TV newcomer, Des O’Connor, admits he’s a bit nervous about taking on the show along with a reported half a million pound contract, but he thinks he’ll quickly get the hang of the word quiz. ‘Taking over from Des Lynam is a great opportunity for me,’ admitted O’Connor, ‘but I think it’s good to see TV channels investing in bright young talent.’ O’Connor has worked the entertainment circuit for most of those 74 years but this is the first chance at the big time. ‘I’m just glad that perseverance won out,’ he said, ‘and I hope this message gets out to all those young presenters out there: don’t give up trying.’

Paris Hilton has declared that she now considers herself Irish after family genealogists established that the long and noble line of Hilton ancestors includes a branch of Irish tinkers. The hotel heiress brought experts in from the Royal College of Arms to research her lineage after one of her team of thirty stylists mentioned odd tufts of hair growing on her upper cheeks. ‘We didn’t know what they were or where they came from,’ she explained to Ancestor magazine, ‘but when I mentioned to my make up guy that I’ve been drinking quite a bit of stout, he suggested I should have the family tree checked for any Irish ancestors.’

Confirmation of the Hilton family’s Irish branch came last week and Paris has promised to be a fine representative of her spiritual homeland. ‘I’ve already allowed my eyebrows to grow, so I have, and I intend to adopt the Irish accent as soon as I can get a voice coach, so I am,’ she said.