After his recent remarks about religion, faiths across the globe have come together in an unprecedented show of unity to call for an outright ban on Elton John and his music. Catholics, Protestants, Muslims, Hindus and tapioca salesmen have condemned the singer, claiming he is fanning the flames of religious intolerance. Said one expert in religious schisms: ‘he’s caused more trouble with a toupee and a over-sized earring than any bald heretic the world has ever known.’

No stranger to controversy, Elton John famously appeared as a drunk Catholic priest in the cult TV show, Father Ted, where his catchphrase led to one of his biggest UK hits, ‘Candle Up Your Arse!’ His latest outburst, however, risks causing even greater controversy by asking the world to give up religion and take up the cause of middle of the road balladeering. ‘There’s no wisdom greater than that of Mr. Bernie Taupin, ladies and gentlemen,’ he recently told to a sell-out audience in London. He then went on to burn religious symbols whilst singing a medley of tunes with Ms. Dionne Warwick. Said Catholic priest Hector Gonzalez Michelmore, a self-confessed Elton John fan who witnessed the show: ‘I don’t know what to say.’

Researchers have revealed what they believe to be the perfect face for comedy. By using advanced computer modelling techniques*, scientists have produced a composite of the world’s most comic faces. Angus Fife, the project leader, reflected on the unexpected results. ‘Some people say that if you half-close your eyes, it’s a picture of Bernard Manning, but we think it looks a bit like Tony Blair and little bit like John Prescott.’ He explained: ‘This would fit with other research which has confirmed that one of those two men occur in 72% of the UK’s satire.’ It is hoped the research will help satirists write material that will be appreciated by the largest audience, though John Bird and John Fortune promise they will continue to cater to a much smaller audience niche.

* Adobe Photoshop.

REVIEW: Widely acclaimed as one of the funniest films of the year, Beckett follows the adventures of an official from an ex-socialist political party as they attempt to tackle the world’s problems by taking on the job of Foreign Secretary of UKistan. For the most part, the humour is ribald, light, and fun, and few can sit stony faced through the scene where Beckett carries a case full of chickens into a meeting of foreign ministers only to get involved in a cock fighting session with Belgian and Dutch officials. Often, however, the laughter is savagely dark. The nude wrestling scene alone warrants the adults-only certificate.

The documentary is at its best when Beckett’s inept diplomacy satirises the real political system, though many of the jokes premised on the backwardness of UKistan certainly leave a bad taste. No amount of well meant satire can overcome a deficiency of taste by mocking a nation in which only 61% of the nation bothered to take part in the last democratic elections, whose favourite food is supposedly hamburgers, and the favourite pastime is earning enough money to pay the exorbitant taxes. B-. One thumbs up. Three stars out of five.

After her divorce, Britney Spears has been comforted by a soul mate who has also recently suffered a separation from his long time partner. Describing Don Rumsfeld as a ’sweet guy who just adores my pet rat’, Britney explained how she wants to help him turn his life around. ‘Don’s finding it hard to adapt,’ she explained, ‘and I have to keep telling him that he can’t go invading countries like he used to. I want him to get his mind off his troubles and come and work on my next campaign with Pepsi. I think he’d enjoy that.’

Getting use to a suit without camouflage, Rumsfeld joined Spears to attend an MTV awards ceremony where he presented a statuette to the best new rap act. When asked what he thought of today’s music, he quipped: ‘Those guys are good. In fact, they’re so good we should send them to Iraq’.

The world’s very first rock band, Genesis, have announced that they’re reforming, over a century since they last performed together at the funeral of Queen Victoria in 1901. ‘We think people have missed our brand of progressive Victorian rock,’ said lead singer, Sir Philip Collins. ‘Of course, these days I need my ear trumpet to hear what we’re playing but we’re still the same hard living band that rocked the Crystal Palace at the Great Exhibition of 1851.’

The band have already booked the Royal Albert Hall for the first concert of the tour. ‘This will be the second time we’ve played the Hall,’ said original band member, Tony Banks. ‘It will be nice to see the old place since we helped open it in 1871.’ Asked if he had any strong memories at that first concert, Mike Rutherford admitted that returning to the Hall will be tinged with a little sadness. ‘We were all great friends with Prince Albert, you see. Though he had a strong German accent, he loved to sing along to “Invisible Touch”. I think the evening will feel a little special when we play that song. Don’t be surprised if you hear Phil sing “In-viz-zee-ble Touch” in honour of Albert.’

With the new series of I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here due to start on Monday, one of the early favourites has refused to set a limit on how long he’ll stay in the jungle. In order to prolong his stay as long as possible, Tony Blair has promised to survive trench foot, eat millipedes, and even wrestle Gordon, the show’s four hundred pound silver-backed gorilla. Speaking to Ant and Dec before he was dropped into the jungle, Blair said ‘I’m here for the duration guys and I won’t be happy unless I’m crowned King of the Jungle, just like my good friend, Mr. Tony Blackburn.’

Despite producers of the show reportedly finding it difficult to get stars to appear, Tony admitted he was up for the challenge as soon as it was mentioned. ‘I know the challenges are tough, but tough challenges are what I’m all about. The tougher the challenge, the more resolute I should be to face those tough challenges. Challenge toughness and tough on all challenges. That’s the challenge I face with tough times ahead and I challenge you to be tough on me should I fail you.’

As many parts of Britain struggle to cope with the smog caused by the annual 5th of November bonfires, the government have rejected calls to outlaw the event which commemorates the plot to blow up the Houses of Parliament in 1605. Foreign Secretary, Margaret Beckett, was quick to lend her support to the festivities. ‘I welcome that Guy Fawkes and the other defendants have faced justice and have been held to account for their crimes,’ she said. ‘Appalling crimes were committed by Guy Fawkes, it’s right that those accused of such crimes against the British people should face British justice.’

Multi-millionaire plastic-breasted soft-porn icon, mother, author, role-model, and self-styled Middle East state, Jordan, has launched her own range of underwear aimed at women who want something ‘naughtier for the bedroom’. At the launch of the range of knickers at her own laboratory complex in East London, Jordan explained how ‘my thongs are so small you can’t seen them with the human eye.’ Women who have already tried out the knickers have claimed that they are so comfortable they didn’t know they were wearing them, yet, measuring only fourteen nanometers in length, they are still roomy enough for models working in today’s fashion industry.

This is the latest in what has become a series of celebrity-endorsed knickers to hit the market. Willie Nelson’s W-Strings were so popular last year, with each thong made from hair plucked from Willie’s ponytail, Kenny Rogers hopes to tap this year’s lucrative Christmas market for clean underwear by promoting his own line of y-fronts designed for the the fuller prairie loving figure. Expected to outsell them all, however, are Jack Black’s ‘Cracker Jacks’ which use the latest fibre technology to announce in a loud voice when ‘you need to change your crackers, dude!’

A Rolling Stones concert was cancelled on Thursday night after Mick Jagger’s skin fell off during a performance of their classic ‘Brown Sugar’. The 40,000 audience looked on in horror as Keith Richards tried to help the lead singer back into his skin but the concert was finally called off when it became apparent that the stitching had failed along the whole length of Jagger’s spine.

‘This is a simple thing to fix,’ said tour spokesman, Sandy Potterspoon, ‘but we were given assurances about the quality of stitching which, in the event, were not able to cope with the load that Mick put on them during one of his trademark jumps.’

Startling figures released on Friday show that the British public believe that Heather Mills McCartney is a bigger threat to world peace than George W. Bush. In a survey conducted earlier this week, 91% of the public mentioned the wife of the ex-Beatle when asked to name three dangers the world will face in the coming year. In a lowly third place came North Korean leader, Kim Jong-il, who was mentioned by 59% of the public, and in surprise fourth place, with 20% of the public vote, were popular children’s comedy duo, The Chuckle Brothers.

Security experts have been quick to explain the results and have called for calm. ‘It is only natural that people should feel threatened by Heather Mills McCartney,’ said defence expert, Francis Tungsten. ‘They read about her in the papers and they can only imagine those stories happening to them. But, of course, what they fail to realise is that there’s only a slim chance, perhaps one in fifty, that she could ever attack them.’

Meanwhile, The Chuckle Brothers were said to have been delighted by their showing in the poll and announced plans to do pantomime in Blackpool this year. The White House responded to the announcement by saying that any performances of Cinderella over the Christmas season would be considered a provocative act and that the US administration would not rule out military action.