Ex-Home Office minister and best-selling diarist, David Blunkett, took over as Speaker of the House of Commons today, after the previous Speaker, George Martin, left the office after clashing with Tory Leader earlier in the week. Members of the opposition followed the tradition of dragging Mr. Blunkett to the Speaker’s chair and dressing him in the ceremonial garb. Unfortunately, a clearly confused Blunkett believed it was his dog dragging him into the gents, but, after apologising to the ushers and helping them dry off, the new Speaker took great pride in addressing the House.

‘This is a real honour for me to take up this role as Speaker of the House of Commons and I will do my best to fulfil the duties of the Speaker of the House of Commons to the absolute upper limit of my not inconsiderable talent and as Speaker of the House of Commons I shall continue to make audio diaries of my business as Speaker of the House of Commons so I will leave to history a week-to-week, day-to-day, hour-to-hour, minute-to-minute, second-to-second recording of my activities as I fulfil the duties of this most important role as Speaker of the House of Commons… for which I am very honoured,’ said Mr. Blunkett briefly.

There were immediate calls for his resignation.

Justin Timberlake’s dreams of having his own line of health foods became a reality this week, with the launch of Justin, a muesli designed by the singer and containing more than twelve times the fibre of conventional breakfast cereals. ‘With one bowl “justin” the morning, you just know that you’re going to be on the regularity A list,’ promised Timberlake at a launch party attended by some of Hollywood’s most constipated stars.

Speaking anonymously, most were quick to endorse this quick and healthy solution to irregularity. ‘Whoa! Here I go again!’ said one Oscar winning actress before dashing off to the bathroom. Ten minutes later, she continued to praise the magic formula. ‘This stuff is amazing. Once you pop it, you just can’t stop it!’ Doctors have been also happy to praise the food. ‘Justin can relieve troubled bowels like no other product on the market,’ reported the San Francisco Digestion Digest. ‘In clinical trials, Justin has produced twenty times more effluent than its closest rival, Elton John’s Wheat Wigs.’

In response to the success of musicians creating new food products, The Recording Academy is considering introducing a new category to next year’s Grammy Awards, with Timberlake an early contender for Most Original Laxative. ‘I’m not assuming I’m going to win anything,’ smiled Timberlake. ‘There might be competition yet since I hear that Beyoncé is bringing a new album out in the New Year.’