PRESS RELEASE: As is our long standing custom on the last day of the year, The Spine today announces its annual prophecies endorsed by the Russell Grant School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Each year, our resident team of experts in the fields of human sciences, astrology, celebrity gossip, and politics, comes together to peer into the crystal ball and forecast the ten most likely events to occur the following year. The Spine has a hard earned reputation for getting its predictions right. An average of nine out of every ten prophecies have come to pass each year since 1968.

After careful consideration, our panel has decided that the following ten events are the most likely to happen in the next twelve months.

10. Jeffrey Archer becomes the new Mayor of London and, by a strange unexplained quirk of the voting process, he is also announced as the new Archbishop of Canterbury, Vice Chancellor of Oxford University, and the UN Secretary General.

9. The deposed mayor Ken Livingstone wins Big Brother after dressing in a green body suit and pretending to be a newt.

8. Bono gives up music for a full time political career.

7. Gordon Brown gives up politics in order to front U2.

6. David Blunkett releases a second volume of memoirs. It quickly outsells the first when a woman in Henley mistakenly buys it thinking it’s by David Beckham.

5. The FA announces the completion of Wembley Stadium before The Daily Mail reveal that all the seats are made in Germany to a standard buttock size unsuited to the British posterior. The FA agree to knock the new Wembley down and reconstruct the old Wembley. The British buttock is saved.

4. Lembit Opik dumps his Cheeky Girl when he becomes infatuated with BBC weatherman Daniel ‘And That’s Your Weather’ Corbett. When his advances are spurned, he takes to the skies and seeds the clouds with silver iodide thereby changing the weather and proving Corbett’s forecasts wrong. By an odd coincidence, this makes all of Sian Lloyd’s forecasts correct and the couple are reunited in a rainstorm which washes away all the tears.

3. Paul McCartney loses his divorce proceedings and has to remain married to Heather for good.

2. UK blogging will become bigger than Premiership football. The Spine will be relegated to a muddy field in Dagenham.

1. Faced with the possibility of prison, Tony Blair decides to remain in office, declares himself ruler for posterity and his son, Euan, his eventual successor. It takes a collation of the willing led by the United States to overthrow him with the usual hilarious results.

Only the purple crushed velvet suits remain but the ‘Godfather of Soul’ James Brown will continue to pack in the audiences for the next few years if an audacious plan to be revealed in his will goes ahead.

Brown died on Monday and has been rightly mourned around the globe as one of the seminal influences on the popular music of the twentieth century. Yet as crippling alimony payments made retirement impossible for the singer, audiences grew use to an evening with James Brown involving increasingly less James Brown and more input from his growing ranks of backing singers. Now it would seem that the singer’s band will continue ‘taking it to the bridge’ for the foreseeable future.

‘This is a logical move from the people in marketing,’ explained music critic Hector ‘Dizzy’ Rodriguez of San Francisco’s Soul Bugle. ‘The last time I saw James Brown perform, he was helped onto stage to shout “get down” part way through Living in America before he was back in his cape and being helped to his trailer. I know of at least one occasion when he didn’t turn up at all to a gig and screamed “Hit me!” down the telephone as his band filled in the rest of the programme.’

It would not be the first time a dead performer has taken top billing and managed to pack in the crowds. Though many people claim every performance by Ozzie Osbourne amounts to the same thing, the last occasion took place only last month when an audience of 10,000 filled a Berlin concert hall to hear a orchestra led by Ludwig van Beethoven who was represented in the hall by a lock of hair sitting on the lid of a piano. One concert goer said (though in German): ‘Old Ludwig van might have slowed down a bit, grown a little more deaf, and couldn’t reach every note on the piano, but the old magic was certainly there.’

The inhabitants of Hell have condemned the government’s decision to turn the underworld into a ‘respect zone’ where ministers intend to impose standards of behaviour on local residents.

‘We lived despicable lives and we deserve the right to be flailed by red-hot lashes dipped in vinegar until judgement day,’ said one demonic presence who preferred not to be named. ‘Or at least, we should be forced to undergo centuries of unnecessary dental work without having to worry about good manners.’

Another banished soul, ‘John’, spoke under the promise that his real identity would be protected. He explained how he had been a sinner all his life, had a dozen mistresses, committed unspeakable acts of cruelty to chickens, and voted Liberal Democrat at more than a dozen elections. ‘I don’t see why we’re being singled out for what is essentially a lifestyle choice,’ he said from his pit of burning sulphur.

The scheme is part of the government’s tough new drive to reduce low level crime in troubled areas. Louise Casey, who advises the Home Office on anti-social behaviour, explained that ‘all the lower circles of hell will have to agree to strict anti-social measures if they want to recieve extra government resources’. Opponents of the scheme point out that since Hell is not technically British soil, the British taxpayer should not be funding any schemes not bound by British law.

‘I never voted for Tony Blair,’ said a bearded middle-manager of Hell. ‘I worked in the civil service under the Tories and then New Labour. I guess that’s why they’ve given me this job down here.’

Unveiled on Monday, the two feet wide block of weathered rock looks not unlike any piece of roughly-hewn limestone except this is one of two kidney stones removed from Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott over the Christmas holidays. The stone now has pride of place outside parliament and will form a permanent memorial by the country’s bloggers who missed the event due to too much pudding over the festive season.

Arthur Lumpwick, Director of the Blogging Institute, said that the monument would serve as a warning for future generations of bloggers to always keep their blogs active. ‘We never know when a story will come along deserving the full powers of our scorn and ridicule,’ he said as he revealed the plaque. ‘Many jokes now don’t exist because we weren’t paying full attention. The world of UK blogs is worse off for our having missed one of the most perfect opportunities to scoff.’

A meme dedicated to the kidney stones will be started at a later date with the proceeds going towards having the other stone broken up and made into pairs of cuff links for every UK blogger.

The cricketing world has been quick to heap universal condemnation upon the leaking of a photocopy of Australia’s bowling tactics for the current Ashes series. An A4 sheet handed to journalists purports to detail the Australian team’s plan for combating the formidable English batting lineup. Said Sky Sport’s Ian Botham: ‘This is the sort of information the Australian team wouldn’t want their opponents to know. It will probably swing the series back in favour of the tourists and I’d say that the battle for the Ashes is back on again.’

Meanwhile, the Australian team have lodged a complaint with match officials. ‘We’ll have to rethink our whole selection policy,’ said captain Ricky Ponting, who went on to hint at the immediate dropping of Shane Warne from the team. ‘Now the English team know our tactics, Warney is clearly of no use to us now,’ Ponting confirmed.

The English dressing room has been quick to deny suggestions that they hope to gain any advantage from the leak. ‘We won’t be responding to this in any way,’ said Duncan Fletcher. ‘Speaking for the team, we’ll be out there are usual tomorrow morning, playing the same high standard of Test Match cricket we’re known for and putting our faith in our usual opening pairing of Sir Tim Rice and Sir Mick Jagger.’

The mainstream news channels are making the most of the dramatic landing that Tony Blair made in Florida, but this is nothing compared to the furore that will follow the newest revelations about why Blair and his family are holidaying with Robin Gibb.

It is understood that the Prime Minister, due to leave office in the coming year, has agreed to join the two remaining Gibb brothers in their relaunch of the Bee Gees. An album and tour are expected to be announced for next summer. A tape sent by the Prime Minister to Robin has apparently impressed the two brothers enough to make them reconsider their vow never to perform under the Bee Gee name after the death of brother, Maurice. Said a source close to the PM: ‘Tony’s been a long time fan of the brothers Gibb and is honoured to be asked to join the group, which he believes offers real hope for peace in the Middle East through high-pitched caterwauling and the power of the perm.’

Ahead of the group’s relaunch and tour, Blair’s holiday with Robin Gibb is actually a thinly disguised week-long recording session when Blair hopes to cement himself in the reformed group. He has already penned a number of tracks, including a new version of ‘Jive Talkin’ which Blair is said to have improved through the addition of ‘hand gestures’ and the phrases ‘hey now’ and ‘come on you guys’.

Dear Spinalists,

Let me take this opportunity to pop my head above the news headlines and thank everybody who has visited, commented, emailed me, linked, or otherwise just been so damn good to me and The Spine this year. I feel like I should also thank John Prescott and Lembit Opik for making it so easy, and Elton John, Jamie Oliver, and James Blunt, for always being there when I needed something on a slow news day.

But in the spirit of those banners for The Samaritans that scroll across ITV’s big movie on Christmas Day and remind you that there’s always somebody about to leap off a bridge when you’re stuffing yourself with Pringles, I want to add a more sincere note of thanks.

First of all, I’d like to thank Iain Dale, Devil’s Kitchen, and Bryan Appleyard; three bloggers I read every day and who set standards by which I am constantly reminded that I’m underperforming. In different ways, they’ve helped me enormously in the last six months. Iain graciously included me in his guide to UK Political Blogging when this site had in reality only been going a matter of weeks rather than months. DK left some suitable comments that cheered me up enormously when I had my first complaint from ‘disgusted from Slough’. Bryan complimented something I’d written when I needed complimenting. Three brief and very tangential encounters with three eminent bloggers gave me affirmation of one kind or another and helped me keep this ruinous project steaming around the icebergs.

Okay, this sounds like self-indulgent waffle and perhaps it is… But it is also Christmas and as you can see from the glorious logo to the above right, The Spine has been nominated as one of Yahoo!’s Finds of 2006. I thought I should say something personal to mark the event. To be honest, I’m delighted by the recognition though in the back of my mind I can also hear the Comic Book Guy saying ‘Worst Website Ever…’

There are so many great UK blogs out there and, in reality, this is one of the very smallest. I feel like saying this nomination ‘wasn’t my fault’ and ‘don’t blame me’. In all truth, I don’t know how it happened but hey! I’m in the running so please go over there and vote for me. I could end up on the telly.

Finally, since I’ve just been tagged by Jeremy (the first time I’ve ever been tagged) and given it’s the season of goodwill towards all men and their memes, here are my ‘7 Best Things I Did In 2006’:

1. Became part of the UK blogging community and met all kinds of final and noble people via this site.

2. Got shortlisted in Yahoo!’s Finds of 2006.

3. Made it to Iain Dale’s list.

4. Written plenty despite working on The Spine every day.

5. Snagged a Nintendo Wii on the launch day.

6. Survived the year on less income than a Bulgarian strawberry picker and still managed to achieve Number 5.

7. Retained the confidence of the people closest to me, despite the outward appearance of making a complete mess of my life.

8. Continued to do what’s not expected of me. Even if that means adding an eighth thing to a list of seven.

(Update: I forgot to pass this on, so how about John Wilkes, Theo, Joe Bloggs, Adelaidegreenporridgecafe and Blognor Regis?)

I’m now taking a few days off but I’ll be back next week once I grow sick of rich food and lazing.

In the meantime, have a Merry Christmas and Prosperous New Year, and thank you all again for reading and your continued support.

David.

With the usual slight hints and teasing revelations that usually accompany these events, J.K. Rowling appeared at a publicity event in London to reveal the title and cover of Harry Potter 7.

Due to be published next year, ‘Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows’ looks to be the final volume of the series, making the author’s hints about its twists and turns even more enticing. ‘There will be plenty of surprises,’ she promised a packed audience at a London bookstore. ‘I can’t tell you much, except that Mr. Weasley has an accident with his wand which results in Ron having two mothers and Voldemorte has a nostril fetish. I can also say that one of the main characters dies but I won’t tell you which one’. When pressed for more hints about the casualty, she smiled. ‘You’ll have to wait and see,’ she said mysteriously tapping the cover the new book before signing copies of the earlier novels for some specially invited children.

The event was organised by literacy campaigners who expect the children will be among the last literate generation in the country. ‘After the next Harry Potter, there won’t be much point learning to read,’ admitted one ten year old, while a nine year old put it more succinctly. ‘There is no future after Harry Potter 7,’ she said. ‘Once that’s finished, we might as well use up the last of the world’s fossil fuels, melt the last iceberg, and whistle Dixie until the entropic forces in the universe lead to heat death and our descent into an eternal nothingness.’

[Edito: The Spine is today suffeing technical poblems due to a boken keyboad unable to type the eighteenth lette of the alphabet. Nomal sevice will esume as soon as possible. I’d like to thank you fo you suppot.]

Cazy fog has managed to close Heathow aipot, leaving passenges standed on the eve of the Chistmas and New Yea beak.

The foty thee feet balloon was being pepaed fo a local fai when it came loose fom its mooings and difted into the aipot’s main unway. Said Ms. Molly Spikes of Chipping Sodbuy: ‘I’d just nipped out fo a cap and when I got back, I found that fog looking at me though the window. It’s going to be a long wait befoe we get moving and I’ve got a long tail ahead of me. But at least I’ve got my cap to keep my head wam.’

Said Fathe Gay Smith, a vica fom Livepool. ‘When I saw that fog standing thee, it made me spill my dink down my sh*t. It was my best sh*t too. Pue ecclesiastical silk. Can’t somebody poke that balloon with a shap stick and get all the ai out of it. I have a sevice to pefom on Fiday.’

Holocaust Denier David Irving has been freed by a court in Austria and has immediately accused his judges of denying him the right to deny reports that he has issued a denial of his original denial. ‘I deny it,’ he told journalists who greeted him at the prison gates. ‘I deny it all, damn you! Don’t you know I’m a denier? I’m a man who is world famous for my denials. How dare you mock me with these sham, half-hearted denials. I’ll out deny the lot of you! And you can’t deny that!’

The historian then told reporters that ‘I have been in solitary confinement for 400 days and you can imagine how awful that is.’

Psychologists, however, have been quick to deny that it could be that bad even if he was trapped with himself for his only company. ‘Sounds terrible but it probably didn’t happen,’ said Professor Franz Jentz Hector, head of the Institute of Denial Studies in Saltsburg. ‘And even if it did happen, it probably wasn’t that bad. It was probably only twenty days and he probably had lots of company. In fact, he probably had a ball and loved every moment of it. It was probably more like a holiday camp.’

‘I deny it all,’ Irving told reporters when told of Professor Hector’s comments. ‘That man knows nothing of denials. I deny he’s ever a professor.’

Meanwhile, an independently commissioned artist’s impression (above) of Dr. Irving’s confinement suggest that he probably had lots of company and very pretty company it probably was too.*

‘I don’t deny that,’ smiled Dr. Irving as he waxed his eyebrows. ‘I mean, one can’t deny the ladies, can one?’

*If you happen to like brazen Rumanian strumpet types desperate for UK citizenship and a bit of ‘Lembit lovin’. And don’t deny you don’t.