‘See Harry Potter Naked!’

That’s the most popular search term at the moment as Harry Potter fans scour the internet, after naked pictures of the films’ star, Daniel Radcliffe, were leaked into the public domain. The images have quickly spread across the globe and have found their way onto many of the lowest kinds of blog looking to increase their traffic.

Bloggers often use deceitful means of luring unsuspecting visitors to their sites with key phrases such as ‘Naked Daniel Radcliffe Pics Here!’ and ‘See The Wizard’s Wand!’ In the UK, many websites have refused to store the images on their servers for fear that the hot sexy naked images of Daniel Radcliffe will only bring in visitors who want to see nothing but his hot naked bod.

Said one prominent UK blogger: ‘I think this is a really cheap way of running a blog, just catering to those people who think about nothing but sex, sex, sex, and those naked Daniel Radcliffe pics. They ask themselves: where are the naked pictures of Harry Potter? And unscrupulous bloggers reply: Well, they’re here! Get them while they’re hot! Radcliffe in the nude! But that’s Daniel and not Paula, whose just had a baby so have a bit of bloody respect will you… Personally I just think it’s disgusting.’

Bill Bryson is celebrating as only Bill Byson can after he successfully lobbied the government to allow him to copyright whimsy.

‘I’m delighted that in a country of warm ale and warmer winter woollens, I’ve managed to find a place in your equally warm English hearts,’ Bryson told reporters gathered at his cottage in the heart of the English countryside. ‘The nation of Shakespeare, the world of the Morris Minor, the shires of the mighty oaks. Kettles over fireplaces. Old brass ornaments. Women who smoke pipes. Children with beards…’

Asked what he thought of the government’s announcement, Bryson’s eyes went misty as a single tear stole down his bewhiskered cheek. ‘Old English sheepdogs,’ he said. ‘Remote houses on cliff tops overlooking stormy seas. Cornish smugglers. Casks of rum. The ensign flying proudly in the wind. Beer mats. Teak bar tops in quaint old English pubs. Women called Doris, Maggie, or Brenda. Chipped mugs of tea. Old iron lampposts. Red pillar boxes. A places called Splodge Upon The Yawn.’

At this point, Mr. Bryson’s agent announced that the copyright victory means that Bryson is now the only writer working in the English language able to use whimsey in his work.

It was news that clearly delighted the popular author.

‘The Queen, God bless her,’ he said running his mittened fingers through his big soft cuddly beard. ‘The land that invented the sugar lump. Only the English could have invented the sugar lump and then sugar tongs. What a crazy but lovable race the English are with their Ovaltine. Beans on toast. HP sauce. Murray mints.’

The Home Secretary has said that he will make a public apology to the House of Commons on Tuesday after his department failed to achieve its quota of serious ministerial blunders for last week.

‘I can confirm that very little went wrong on Saturday,’ said Dr. Reid. ‘For this, I am truly sorry but I can assure the British public that we’re working as hard as we can to make a mess of something extremely important in the very near future.’

Under new rules laid down by the government, the Home Office is mandated to accomplish at least one serious cock up every day. Government lawyers are currently examining whether the Home Office’s failure to achieve its so called ‘cock up quota’ might itself be considered a cock up.

‘The issue takes us into areas of the law and the philosophy of language,’ explained Dominic Harvey Tuttle, the minister in charge of the Department of Cock Ups, Mistakes, and Blunders. ‘Even should it prove that we have messed up, the Home Secretary will still be making an apology, which will itself then be classified as another cock up and we will be able to add to this week’s tally.’

‘Whatever the outcome of this inquiry, we think that Saturday’s unusual level of competence was an anomaly,’ said Dr. Reid. ‘But in the short term, there will be a minor backlog of cock ups that need to be finished before start to make some wonderfully monumental cock ups later this week.’

Barely weeks since Boris Johnson launched his attack on video game culture, the Tory shadow minister for Higher Eduction has had a change of heart. At the launch of his own computer game, Grand Theft Tory, Johnson agreed that ‘they’re a damn sight more fun than reading a book!’

Previously citing computer games as a fundamental threat to the literacy of our culture, Johnson’s attitude shifted after a forty eight hour stint at playing World of Warcraft. ‘I’m an orc,’ he explained. ‘I’m fairly low down on orcdom’s pecking order but my intention is to put many many more hours into it until I manage to get enough coins to buy the Cudgel of Might. It’s a damn sight more interesting than reading Greek philosophers who nobody recognises when you quote them.’

As to his role in his new computer game, Boris admitted that he was hesitant at first. ‘They said they wanted my body to put into a game,’ said Johnson. ‘They scanned me in to their machines and as sure as Gertrude’s your Aunt I was soon running around hefting molotov cocktails at government policies and hijacking headlines.’

1. I was involved in a high speed crash in my jet powered dragster.
2. Nobody can understand a word I say.
3. I’m being persecuted by the Welsh Office.
4. Jack Bauer of CTU won’t take my calls.
5. I can’t be expected to keep track of all these bloody Sassenachs.
6. My copy of Windows Vista keeps crashing.
7. I don’t know the difference between ‘immigration’ and ‘emigration’.
8. All the important Home Office documents are still written in braille.
9. I ate some radioactive sushi.
10. It’s all Count Michael Von Howard’s fault.
(more…)

The Prime Minister ended the 2007 Davro conference with a stark warning to world leaders that we might not have seen the last of the light entertainment comedian.

‘Our best intelligence suggests that Bobby Davro’s currently in panto,’ Mr. Blair told his counterparts from the other industrialised nations. ‘But who knows where he could be this time next year? Radio? Satellite TV? Even his own comedy special in the BBC’s light entertainment schedule. World unity is needed on this issue. We have to come together. We have to be sure that Davro is kept busy. That means a packed schedule of summer season. And then panto over Christmas and the New Year.’

Mr. Blair’s attendance at the annual conference has been seen as a sign of the Prime Minister’s intention to make global security his primary focus for his last year in power. Since Davro’s appearance in a BBC documentary last year, both MI5 and MI6 have been tasked to keep track of the secretive comedian and it is believed that Mr. Blair has headed five meetings of the COBRA committee in the two months alone when Davro-esque jokes had been released to the public.

‘Davro is clearly out there plotting something,’ said one intelligence analyst. ‘It’s not a matter of if he makes a comeback but when. For the sake of mankind, we all have to be prepared and not a little afraid.’

It has emerged that faltering Premiership club West Ham United are to offer their supporters a funeral service. The club plan to provide plots of land where their most loyal fans can choose to be buried. The plots will occupy unused areas of the football club mainly around the opposition’s goal mouth.

‘I can’t remember when any of our players ventured into that area of the pitch so we thought we’d use it for something else,’ explained new club chairman Eggert Magnússon. ‘My first suggestion was to use that land for some kind of herring retail but Alan told me that the smell of fresh fish might put off some of his players.’

‘That’s right,’ said team manager, Alan Curbishly, ‘we had the choice of fresh fish or dead supporters. In the end, I think we made the right choice. This plan is best for our supporters who can be sure that their graves will be respected. Even on match days, it’s like a graveyard down that end of the ground.’

The FA are now said to be looking at the plans which would involve all visiting goalkeepers to Upton Park wearing black and bringing flowers.

Comedy legend Steve Martin has promised that his remake of the D. W. Griffith classic Birth of a Nation will be another immediate family hit but he says that it also signals his return to the kind of edgy comedy for which he is best loved.

Produced by the same creative team that made Cheaper By the Dozen, Cheaper By the Baker’s Dozen, and Cheaper Than the Dirty Dozen 2: Behind Enemy Lines, the film sees Martin play a banjo picking troubadour wandering through the Southern states during the American Civil War.

‘We’ve hardly departed from Griffith’s original, except where modern attitudes toward the film’s slight racism means we’ve avoided making the Klu Klux Klan look like heroes. That’s why I get to move into a house where I have to look after twelve rowdy clansmen before chaos ensues when my brother played by Eugine Levi arrives with his own family of twelve slaves. It’s a perfect formula for laughs.’