After the death of the woman who claimed to be the world’s oldest living person, the world has turned its attention to the new record holder. The 114 year old man, Mickel Yagger, was tracked town to his remote seaside village in southern Brazil where he put his longevity down to his vigorous pursuit of young women and playing his harmonica.

‘They key is to do them both at the same time,’ he told reporters who descended on his little shack where he lives with his brother Keith. ‘And when we catch them, we sing to them, occasionally spank them, and we don’t let them go until they turn 19 whey they’re too old for us.’

Younger by fifty nine seconds, his brother Keith holds the record as the second oldest living person. ‘I might be 114 years old but I still like to climb banana trees,’ he said before describing how he’s broken his hips seventeen times in his search for fresh fruit. ‘But what ya gonna do, man?’ he asks. ‘I gotta have my nanas!’

Meanwhile, the world’s oldest person (non-surviving) continues to hold on to his record. Adam (6000 years million years and counting) puts his success down to regular exercise and eating an apple a day. He was unavailable for comment.

It has been revealed that George Bush’s closest political advisor, Karl Rove, appeared at the recent London premier of Tennacious D’s ‘Pick of Destiny’. When Kyle Gass went down with flu a week before the opening, Rove agreed to stand in at the last notice. His appearance came in the weeks following the Republican Party’s heavy losses in the mid-term elections but according to Rove, he promised the President that he would help revitalise the party once he’s finished promoting the work of his friend Jack Black.

Unrecognised by the London crowds, he mingled with fans who told him they connected with his fusion of hard rocking with a right-wing agenda. Said Rove: ‘I did this because the film has a very positive Republican message for kids out there. It says, kids: stay in school, do your work, believe in good Christian values, and don’t do drugs because you end up agreeing to make bad bad films’.

This isn’t the first time the two friends have worked together. Black helped Rove with the last Republican campaign, a project he enjoyed enormously. ‘The D know music like the D know politics,’ he said. ‘JB and KR are tenacious political animals, baby!’ The film opened to mixed reviews but most critics agree that Rove displayed an unexpected comedy potential. Said one critic: ‘With all the laughs in this movie, it’s hard to believe it’s the same Karl Rove who helped fashion so much of the US agenda for the last seven years.’

The Oscar nominations contained their usual number of surprises when they were announced this morning in Los Angeles. Tony Blair leads the list of British nominations, picking up five for his role as the Prime Minister in The Cash For Honours Enquiry. There are none, however, for the film’s director, newcomer John Yates.

‘Like many actors, I’m delighted to have been recognised by the Academy though it probably says something about the quality of one’s acting when people notice that it is indeed acting,’ said Blair. While Blair is probably a shoe-in to win best actor, the best actress category is wide open. Early betting is already being put on Jade Goody winning for her performance as a contrite racist bigot in this year’s sleeper hit, Celebrity Big Brother.

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John Reid has announced that plans are advancing quickly within the government to split the Home Office into two separate ministries. Said Dr. Reid on Monday: ‘No longer will people be able to say that the Home Office doesn’t know its arse from its elbow. With the creation of these new ministries, we’re proving that this government is, firstly, proactive in sorting problems out; that, secondly, we’re committed to clear and transparent government; and that, thirdly, we do like to be seen on TV standing outside buildings revealing nice new shiny plaques.’

The Ministry of the Elbow will be in charge of law and order, while the Ministry of the Arse will be given mainly bureaucratic duties and the day to day running of the prison’s service. The Conservatives responded by claiming that the government are only copying their own plans and David Davies has accused Dr. Reid of ‘a knee jerk reaction to the problems’. Dr. Reid issued a written statement saying that ‘the government will be looking into creating a separate Ministry of the Knee in the coming days’.

Patricia Hewitt has admitted that she thinks that some doctors are overpaid but saved her harshest criticism for the nation’s proctologists. Hewitt condemned them for being ostentatious in front of their patients. She told a medical conference in Hull that bottom doctors ‘enter the surgery with fingers covered in bling where once there was once only a dab or two of lubricating gel.’

The health secretary was responding to a case currently going through the High Court in which Mr. Douglas Ripenhole (43) is suing his local health authority after his proctologist left him requiring surgery. The doctor refused to remove his rings before a routine inspection. Mr. Ripenhole told the court how he had to endure months of painful medical work to repair the damage. Asked by the judge how he had managed to pay for such an expensive procedure, Mr. Ripenhole said: ‘Well I had a deal with the doctors that they could keep anything they could remove. I believe they recovered two Rolex watches.’

Launching the new Conservative Campaign North, David Cameron has admitted that the party ‘ain’t doing well up north’ and announced that William Hague is to become his spokesman for the region. Speaking in Bradford, Cameron went on to declare a change of heart within the party and, in an unusual move, began his speech with a song:

There are Greens in the world.
There are UKIPs.
There are Loons and Lib Dems, and then
There are those that follow old Marx, but
I’ve never been one of them.

I’m a modern Tory,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Tories is:
They’ll take you as so your butties are prawn .

Because…
Every vote is sacred.
Every vote is great.
If a vote is wasted,
Maggie gets irate.

The north has traditionally been a stronghold of the Labour Party who the Tories have attacked for their cunning tactics of speaking to the locals in their own language. ‘We Conservatives also understand what it’s like to live in areas of unemployment, poverty, and poor quality jobs and housing,’ said Hague. ‘We go on holiday to the Caribbean every year.’

‘It’s really not on,’ said Cameron in his speech to flat cap wearing party workers. ‘The Labour Party slyly nominate local candidates for election and then ignore the important issues affecting London in favour of things that relate to loud-mouthed mill owners not short of a few bob, blue club comics, and blackpudding eaters. They were not elected to a London parliament in order to talk about issues affecting people hundred of miles away!’

The drive is meant to fight the perception that the modern Conservative Party is the party for plumy-voiced southern toffs in pinstripe suits discussing London taxes and the plight of their holiday homes in rural England. Said the party’s junior spokesman on Northern Affairs, Sir Hugo Remmington Wittington-Potter: ‘We have to get the message across that we Tories care about the plight of our Northern brethren. Gone are the days when we would make fun of northern accents or make cheap jokes at the expense of those hub-cap thieving Liverpudlians, the imbecilic folk of Yorkshire, or indeed, the rather common people of Manchester. We’d really like their votes and the votes of their spouses, who probably happen to be either their brother or sister.’

Corin McLuglan writes: “John Prescott is the latest big name from the world of politics to reveal a more artistic side to his nature. After December’s unveiling of Tessa Jowell’s oil colours at the Tate Modern, this month sees the latest collection of verse from a poet who has brought his own roughly textured language to world of northern based poetry.

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Gordon Brown’s trip to India continues with the Chancellor adopting increasingly drastic measures to avoid being questioned about Big Brother. Believing that Hindu religious customs would protect him from difficult questions, Brown entertained business leaders in Bangalore with his famous impression of an Aberdeen Angus.

Meanwhile, back in London, rumours continue to spread that it was the Prime Minister himself who criticised Brown for ‘having psychological flaws in his Aberdeen Angus routine’. According to ex-Labour spin doctor, Lance Price, speaking to Iain Dale: ‘Brown’s impression of a cow doesn’t capture the intense psychological struggle of the Aberdeen Angus and is closer to the slightly more sedentary mindset of a Friesian or even a Hereford bull’. Advisors close the Chancellor have been quick to dismiss Mr. Price’s claims insisting that the Chancellor know ‘more about bull that anybody in government.’

As for Mr. Brown, he continues with his diplomatic mission. ‘Moo!’ he said to dignitaries who had hoped the Chancellor would join them in the burning a three-hundred pound scale model of Jade Goody. Visiting a telecoms call centre later in the day, Mr. Brown made the same point at some length. ‘Mooooooooo!’ he moaned before beginning an impromptu rampage through the building. Eighteen people were gored before the tranquilliser darts took effect.

The Chancellor’s tour continues.

Publicists are certain that the latest series of Big Brother will only make Jade Goody an even bigger star. The series has already received 14.2 million complaints about her role in the bullying of contestant Shilpa Shetty and despite some who claim that it will be an end of Goody’s career, others predict it will only make her richer. Publishers are already fighting for the rights to Jade’s next book, ‘Jade’s Bullying Secrets‘ and it’s hoped that her line of perfumes can be expanded to include pepper sprays and other anti-personal weapons.

‘There’s no such thing as bad news,’ said publicist Malcolm Scruggs. ‘And one thing about the British, we do like a girl with spirit. So long as she comes out acting suitably contrite and admitting she made a few mistakes, people are sure to forgive her. After all, she’s got a good heart and even if she hasn’t, we’ll pay a ghostwriter to make it look like she’s the next Mother Theresa.’ Meanwhile, the estate of the late Mother Theresa have denied that she’s the next Jade Goody.

What is certain is that many ordinary viewers are finally admitting that Big Brother is portraying the worst aspects of British culture. ‘This is detrimental to people’s perception of this nation,’ said Mrs. E. Windsor of London. ‘One feels utterly ashamed of one’s own people.’