Peaches Geldof has announced her plans to retire when she turns eighteen in March. ‘I think I have to acknowledge when I’ve done everything,’ she admitted to a packed press conference in New York. ‘I’ve got to that point in my life when I want to take it easy. I’m looking forward to devoting my retirement to writing novels, producing and directing my own films, starting up a few companies, and solving the problems caused by world debt and poverty.’

In a busy career that has spanned journalism, fashion, television, music, and art, Peaches has been long regarded as one of the most gifted youths of her generation. Her retirement caps a lifetime marked by her quite precocious talents. ‘Only Peaches could out-retire everybody else,’ said social editor to The Daily Mail, Basil Burbatridge. ‘That’s the kind of girl she is… Just when you think she can’t surprise you again, out she comes with another simply stunning idea. In her thinking, she’s head and shoulders above the rest of humankind.’

Peaches is the daughter of charity campaigner and pop vocalist, Sir ‘I Don’t Like Mondays’ Bob. Much to many commentators’ disappointment, Sir Bob has yet to announcing his own retirement and plans to tour the UK next year with his new band, ‘I Don’t Like Mondays’. An album of the same name will be released at the same time, with many pundits predicting that the single, ‘I Don’t Like Mondays’, will be a bit hit for the singer. When asked to comment on his daughter’s imminent retirement, Sir Bob quipped: ‘Actually, I don’t really mind Mondays…’

(Story)

Hello!

Tom Cruise here. No, it’s really me. I was just walking past this guy on his mobile and I thought it would be a cool thing to take it off him and talk to the person at the other end. Now I’m landed with editing this website for the week.

Well, I’m not one to waste an opportunity like this. So, now I want you to look deeply into my eyes… deep… you’re feeling sleepy. You’re feeling very SLEEPY! Listen to my soft gentle voice. You know you want to join the Scientologists… You want to join the…

Only kidding!

God! I SO love that joke. Freaks people out. You see! I am a fun guy. I like a laugh. I like to joke as much as the next guy. Nothing creepy about me. L. Ron Hubbard enjoyed a joke too so don’t you be believing anything anybody tells you on that score. There’s nothing paranormal about old Tommy boy… Good old Tom. Stuff of the American dream. Though if you give me any of that psychology crap we’ll have to take it outside. I mean there’s nothing I hate MORE… than being TOLD… how to FEEL… about THINGS… OKAY?

(more…)

Next year’s Nobel prize for Mathematics may well have a celebrity theme after Russian mathematics prodigy, Sergei Sumovabich, proved that Queen guitarist Brian May is actually a fractal.

The complex mathematical proof has yet to be verified by his peers but Sumovabich believes his elegant twenty-seven page solution explains Queen’s success. ‘They are a band with infinite complexity which you can listen to again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again…’ said the slightly eccentric rock fan. ‘And the thing with fractals is that no matter how closely you examine them, they never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever become boring. Now ask me some more questions. Or the same questions. I really don’t mind repeating myself. I find it therapeutic.’

Dr. Sumovabich went on to explain that fractal theory describes the way that the evidently complicated shapes and patterns we see in nature are governed by relatively simple rules. If the Russian’s theory is proved correct, it is believed that mathematicians will have found a shortcut to modelling the human form with mathematics.

‘That means that Brian May will be easy to generate within computer simulations,’ explained Professor Rudy Urlich III of Boston University. ‘The world of computer gaming, for instance, will change radically. It’s been very hard for programmers to creature realistic human shapes with hair and texture but if they have a formula for Brian May, then gamers might soon be playing increasingly life life games inside virtual worlds populated by hundred, thousands, if not millions of Brian Mays.’

Share prices of Sony, Microsoft, and Nintendo plummeted at the news.

Victoria Beckham is the new face of Galaxy chocolate after the superstar pouted her way to a multi-million pound deal with Mars. ‘I love chocolate,’ she said, ‘but I can’t eat too much of it because of my figure. All that sugar gives me hips and I don’t like to see hips on a person. I keep telling David, he’s got far too many hips. Don’t you think two hips is about two too many hips?’

The company are looking to increase sales of the chocolate in markets where it has not been so popular. Beckham’s appeal to an American audience is thought to be behind the move. Only last year Victoria launched her own line of exotic chocolates called ‘Posh Bites’, each lovingly hand made low calorie chocolate contained a hollow centre wrapped in layers of creamy air, nestling in a coat of thick dark air and covered with a double layer of lightly fluffed air.

As part of the deal, Victoria will appear in TV commercials for the chocolate and says she is looking forward to the role. ‘I’ll be pouting and holding a gigantic bar of chocolate,’ she said. ‘But I won’t be eating any. Oh, no, no, no. I don’t want to get hips. People would only start calling me Hippy Spice instead of Posh Spice, which is what I am. Posh. With no hips. Got it? Good.’

The NHS has been put on a state of high alert to the dangers of a new strain of superbug known as Staphylococcus Patricia Hewittus. Resistant to all known forms of government accountability, the only way the bug can be destroyed is through a process of nationwide polling known as ‘a general election’.

‘This is one of the most resistant bugs we’ve had to deal with inside our hospitals,’ said Professor Felix Meadow of East Burpington Hospital. ‘I’ve seen countless patients suffering from all the classic symptoms of Staphylococcus Patricia Hewittus but I’ve had to turn them away because there’s nothing we can do for them. All we can do is to tell our patients to go wash their hands and think more carefully about the kind of people they elect into office.’

The bug is thought to have developed in the Leicester region when experts believe it jumped from rats to chickens and then mutated into a minor irritant that only troubled people at a local level. Now that it has gone national, the only hope is that it won’t become a pandemic by entering the Foreign Office. Experts are monitoring the career of current Foreign Secretary Margaret Beckett with concern but are having trouble because, as one observer puts it, ‘it’s very hard to figure out how she’s feeling.’ The World Heath Organisation are closely monitoring the situation and have issued a press release warning that ’should Staphylococcus Patricia Hewittus reach the Foreign Office, heaven knows what kind of destruction it could cause.’

Farmer Joshua McDonald (95) admits that he may be getting on in years and has become slow to react, but he was glad to confirm to reporters that he would be responding to Apple’s launch of their new iCow. McDonald accuses the company of deliberately violating his trademarks when they declared that they will be including with every iCow their own ‘electronic iO’, already known as the ‘e-iO’.

‘Everybody knows that I say “’Ee i ee iO” and I’ve had that as my trademark since 1932,’ said McDonald. ‘I don’t see why them there fellows at Apple should go and steal it from me. It’s not as though I haven’t got better things to do, worrying about all my ducks (quack quack), cows (moo moo), and sheep (baa baa).’ Steve Jobs launched the iCow claiming that it is ten years beyond any cow currently on the market.

Experts believe it is Apple’s deliberate attempt to force the smaller business out of the lucrative ‘e-iO’ market. ‘McDonald has had a monopoly on the “e-iOs” for decades,’ said Roger Luth of technology website CNit. ‘Apple have now come along with a sleeker looking version of the old cow and it’s e-iO will be included there in every package. I think it will prove a clever move and a winner.’