The Home Office has instructed police forces across Britain to muzzle, confiscate, or otherwise remove dangerous dogs from Britain’s streets, housing estates, parks, and playgrounds. ‘Threats to our communities cannot and will not be tolerated,’ said Des Higgins, Secretary of State for Muzzles, Leashes, and Collars. ‘We need to ensure that our teenagers are safe when they go to the park to get drunk, take drugs, beat up tramps, or indulge in other healthy adolescent pursuits.’

Under the new ruling, a dangerous dog can be anything from a snappy Shih Tzu to a belligerent Scotsman. At Prime Minister’s Questions today, Tony Blair said ‘I’m determined that this initiative will put an end to the nuisance caused by these animals.’ Muzzles have already been fitted to over six hundred dogs and Mr. Blair was happy to show how the ruling applies to all dangerous animals by muzzling Home Secretary Dr. John Reid at a press conference later in the day.

Asked if he felt it demeaned his position within government, Reid snarled and tugged at his leash. ‘I could quite easily cope with this on a daily basis,’ he said before proceeding to sink his teeth into the Prime Minister’s right leg. Later, once the PM’s trousers were in tatters, Dr. Reid defended his actions: ‘My job is not to take any kind of blame about dangerous dogs but to solve the problem of dangerous dogs, once and for all, or at least until I become the next Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.’

Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber’s London production of The Sound of Music goes from strength to strength as the chirpy musical genius announced the name of the next actor to play Captain von Trapp alongside chirpy singing sensation Connie Fisher. Northern baritone and chirpy comedy legend Bernard Manning will take over the role in February and has declared himself ‘bleeding delighted at the chance to show those southern softies how this stuff should be sung’.

Manning is no stranger to musical theatre having managed and owned The Embassy in Manchester but this will be his first time on the West End stage. ‘I’ve cut down on the chips,’ admitted Manning, ‘but I’m not going to do any of that soft southern vocal exercising. And I won’t be singing about any edel-bleeding-weiss neither. I’m only doing this because it’s a classic show with some great tunes about Germans… Have you heard the one about the German trombone maker in the kebab shop?’

Asked what he’ll bring to the role, he admitted he was planning something new. ‘Even Christopher Plummer wasn’t brave enough to play Captain von Trapp wearing only his underpants yet it’s so obviously what the role’s crying out for,’ explained the roly poly comedian whose appearance in a BBC documentary famously revealed that he watches TV in only his Y fronts. ‘What can I say? Underpants are among my favourite things,’ he added. ‘I also think they’ll make this production extra special and give lovely Connie something else to get chirpy about. It’ll give her plenty of good clean exercise running over an extra couple of alps.’

Friends of Britney Spears fear that her diet of alcohol, cigarettes, and partying are taking a toll on the 25 year old singer. Recently photographed leaving a Los Angeles party at four o’clock in the morning, Britney looked tired and drawn, whilst bearing a striking resemblance to British comedy legend Barbara Windsor.

‘She doesn’t look like a fresh faced schoolgirl these days,’ said fashion and celebrity expert Rhona Flemish of Glam Slapper Magazine. ‘Can we expect to see her turning up behind the bar in Albert Square? Barbara Windsor, on the other hand, looks fantastic for somebody eighty three years age, which just goes to show you that everything is relative.’

The singer’s appearance comes as no surprise to skincare expert, Professor Henry Purcell of University College London. ‘I have actually named it the Windsor effect,’ he explains as he demonstrates by pushing masses of plastercine around a fake head. ‘When a young face gets overly tired, the underlying muscles slacken and produce features that do indeed look not unlike Barbara Windsor. When it happens in men, they always look like celebrity chef, Keith Floyd. When people first realise this phenomena, they think it outlandish. I can assure them that it’s simple physics.’

The news was not all bad as Barbara Windsor admitted that she was delighted by the news. ‘I’ve already been asked to play Britney Spears in a bio-pic of her life,’ she squeaked.

(And it’s all true, true I tell you!)

Animal Rights protesters have been picketing the London offices of P.G. Tips as the company prepares to launch its new advertising campaign this week. The adverts star Johnny Vegas and his popular sock puppet friend, Monkey, and replace TV’s long-established and popular P.G. Tips chimps.

‘We’ve been left without a shirt on our backs,’ mimed one of the ad’s longest serving performers. ‘It was a life of luxury being a TV star and then they decided to replace us with a sock. How humiliating is that?’

The P.G. Tips chimps are the last cruel victims of pressure groups that have been campaigning for years to save the monkeys from the world of TV advertising. It has led to a backlash among many popular brand names who have been quick to disassociate themselves with their own corporate icons.

Only last month, the Tetley Teamen were made redundant, leading to Mr. Cuthbert Morris (47), known to millions of viewers as ‘Our Morris’, throwing himself under a loaded toast stand. It is understood that Mr. Morris had become depressed at losing his status as the nation’s best love tea drinker. Although he’d been offered lucrative contracts to work advertising other beverages, he refused to promote anything other than Tetley tea. ‘I’m a Tetley teaman,’ he confessed in one of his last interviews. ‘People may have forgotten us, but we’re still around brewing good strong cups of tea.’

As for the P.G. Tips chimps, they are finding it equally hard to adjust to life without pianos to move up staircases. ‘I suppose it’s back to the zoo for us,’ said a spokeschimp for the disgruntled stars. ‘We’ll be working all day for a bag of nuts or a banana. And some people call that equality…’

Hey there!

Nice to be here. Nice to be me, really. Hey! Don’t blame me. So witty. So warm. So rich. Can’t help it. Just being me.

Anyway, looking forward to guest editing this website this week. Well, not actually ‘editing’. More like taking a few quid for a couple of minutes work. I’m not actually even here. Well, I’m here… here in my posh luxury hotel room in New York. What I meant is I’m glad to be dictating this down the phone. You’ve got sixty seconds of my time. Cost them a fortune to get me. Talent doesn’t come cheap. That’s what I said to my friend Larry David the other day. I know all the stars… Larry, Ben Stiller, Jonathan Woss, the chap from the Kentucky Fried Chicken ad. Madonna’s a fan. Can’t say it’s mutual, though. Call me old fashioned but breasts should not be triangular.

How long’s that? Thirty seconds. Okay, keep going…

It was an honour when the people at The Spine asked me to be guest editor for the week. They said will you do it? I said: how much. Lovely people though. Very poor. Nice to do something to help the little people. I was little once. Then I had the world’s biggest comedy hit and I’m little no longer. Still, like to do my bit for the little inconsequential people. And working on The Spine is actually classed as charity work. Tax deductible. Picture me making comic gesture with my hands. Smile. Smile. Comic timing. Comedy gold.

Forty five seconds?

So, I’m sure this week will be full of news Not sure what news. Don’t read the papers except Variety. Ooh… Look at him! Gone all ‘showbiz’. Well yes. Yes, I have. It’s called success, sunshine, and don’t you forget it.

Right, I think you’ve had your sixty seconds. Don’t forget to send the cheque. I’m off to a big society bash in the Guggenheim  now. Wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t bump into Gore Vidal or Norman Mailer. I’ll give them your best wishes, though I’m sure they won’t know who you are. Anyway, have to dash. I hear Gore wants to turn my Flanimals (available at all good bookshops) into a novel. I’ll see what he has to say before I say yes. Got to be careful with these Americans. Check their CV before you give them a job. I mean, everybody thinks they’re the next Ronnie Corbett…
Cheers,

Ricky

Everton are set to appeal the card shown to Andy Johnson at last week’s defeat to Manchester City. The teams were level with two goals each when the referee showed his Tesco clubcard to the Everton striker late in the second half. It immediately reduced the Everton lead by the week’s special offer of 50% off all goals scored against Premiership opposition. The match finished 2-1 in City’s favour.

‘We never imagined that this Tesco deal would be so bad for us,’ admitted manager David Moyes. ‘They call it a loss leader but I think it means something totally different in the world of retail. We can’t keep losing clubcard points like this…’

Moyes went on to admit that Everton face fitness worries after Phil Neville suffering a sprout-related injury in aisle three during the second half.

Shane Warne is to be asked to help revitalise the English cricket team after their dismal performance in the last Ashes series. The newly retired leg-spin bowler will form an integral part of the new-look England setup as they start to rebuild. Warne’s appointment comes as the ECB begin a radical shake-up of the game in England.

New stair-lifts will be commissioned from Stannah and installed for test selectors at all the English test playing venues. It was also announced that an extra room will be provided within the MCC for afternoon naps. Said a clearly-confused selector, General Sir Menzies Smythe Figglesworth (112 not out): ‘We’re making extra ration books available to our boys so the next time England bravely set sail for Australia in the face of U-boat attacks, the country will be behind them. Prime Minister Churchill has already promised to reward the players if we succeed.’

Police have released a grainy CCTV image of the man who they suspect of stealing a urinal from a pub in Southampton. They believe that the man has a history of taking urinals and ask that the public take care should the man approach them with promises of cheap bathroom fittings.

Developing…