TV’s favourite green finger, Monty Don, has warned gardeners to take care this year when planting unknown seeds after he accidentally grew a terrorist in his greenhouse.

‘It was a seed I didn’t recognise,’ said Monty. ‘I thought it would just be a little bit of fun planting it. I didn’t know what it would become but then, six weeks later, I turn around and who should I see but bloody Osama Bin Laden looking at me across my seedling tomatoes!’

‘These home grown terrorists are springing up all over the place,’ said Major Herbert P. Bloodnock, head of the UK’s counter terrorism task force. ‘The warm weather helps them get their roots down and, once they’re established, they shoot up and start shooting.’

Don disposed of his unwanted guest by hitting it across the head with a spade before burying it in his allotment where it will fertilise the soil ready for this year’s cabbages. He was later forced to apologise to Alan Titchmarsh for also hitting him across the head with a spade. ‘His homespun wisdom and wry anecdotes didn’t bother me at first,’ Don explained, ‘but as soon as he started to quote that poetry I’d hit him before I could stop myself.’

Prince Charles has attacked the fast food culture, claiming that the best diet is one free of hamburgers. Instead he has suggested that children should look to his organically produced food such as his Duchy Originals.

‘There’s so much nutritional goodness to be found in a handful of organically produced pig dung,’ explained the Prince. ‘It makes me weep to think that schools are still not serving it to the nation’s children so they can get a taste for it.’ The Prince also encouraged people to try more traditional fare of the countryside such as ox tongue, rabbit ears, and cold sheep’s bladder. ‘You can’t beat a bit of cold sheep’s bladder,’ agreed Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall. ‘I love it sprinkled with a goat’s beard.’

Cold sheep’s bladder is a traditional dish with a misleading name as it’s actually served hot. However, Prince Charles was quick to point out that organic food covers a wide range of tastes. ‘If we could just stop people eating these terrible hamburgers, they might start to have an appetite for proper food, such as trotters, snouts, and baby owls,’ he said.

Peter Sallis might claim that Wallace & Gromit don’t need Hollywood to succeed, but the two stars of the Oscar winning films had clearly been enjoying the glamour of LA when they were photographed leaving one of the award parties in the early hours of the morning.

Though not up for an award this year, the two friends had been mingling with the stars and as Gromit flirted with Nichole Kidman, Wallace was overheard explaining the mystery of Lancashire hotpot to Denzel Washington.

Later, leaving the party through a back door, the two friends were embarrassed to find themselves caught in the open, with photographers between them and their car. The notoriously reclusive stars ran through the crowd and as Gromit went to the driver’s door Wallace was heard to shout ‘Have you got the car keys, lad?’

In what followed, Wallace grew increasingly desperate as they tried to get into the car. Surrounded by photographers, he held up his hands and was seen to gulp as he wiggled his fingers in panic. ‘Ooh, I don’t like the looks of this, Gromit, old fellow,’ he shouted. ‘Never any cheese around when we need some. Could do with some smelly Vieux Boulogne to chase these rascals off.’ But by then, Gromit had the door open and they were soon speeding off into the LA night, leaving a trail of cream crackers behind them.

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It’s the controversial play that details one man’s love towards a chicken but London audiences can’t get enough of Daniel Radcliffe and his cockerel in this new reinterpretation of Peter Shaffer’s classic 1973 play, Equus.

Radcliffe plays a young boy left traumatised when he mutilates his pet cockerel, Jeremy, and Richard Griffiths plays the psychologist set the task of unlocking this mysterious and taboo relationship.

Despite the positive reaction of audiences, London’s theatre critics have questioned the alterations made to the play. The boy’s love of horses in the original has been changed to a love for fowl, leading Griffiths to laugh off suggestions that the change was made for the sake of cheap innuendo or internet search engines.

‘How could we get real horses onto such a small stage?’ he asks. ‘I think the director’s alterations are justified once you see how Daniel Radcliffe has formed such a close working relationship with his cock. I know Daniel learned to handle owls for the Harry Potter films but handling a cock just isn’t the same.’

‘I’m enjoying the experience of acting in front of a live audience,’ Radcliffe admits, ‘but we’re all finding it difficult working with animals. Being on stage with a live chicken means we have to be ready to improvise our movements. A cock can be very unpredictable and we have to be quick to react to whatever it decides to do.’

Audiences will continue to queue up to see Daniel Radcliffe and his cockerel until later in the year when the play is expected to move to Broadway.

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Sylvester Stallone has had his private jet searched after it emerged that somebody had smuggled a kangaroo onto his aircraft before it tried to leave Australia’s Sidney airport. It is believed that the animal was to have been taken back to America where it would have become a sparring partner for the Hollywood star.

‘Everybody who has seen Rocky knows that Sly loves to work out in the boxing ring, but we can’t always get somebody to fight him,’ the actor’s agent admitted on Friday. ‘We just thought it would be a great idea to take a kangaroo. We’d would have looked after it on Sly’s enormous estate in California, and in exchange, it would occasionally be expected to don a pair of boxing gloves and give him a few rounds of light sparring.’

Australia has strict rules about the exportation of its native species, especially its licensed boxing kangaroos. Stallone is expected to fly to Cambodia where he is hoping to pick up some monkeys which he hopes to take to America. His agent admitted that Sky plans to re-enactment of his favourite scenes from the Rambo movies by shooting the monkeys with his high-powered bow and arrows fitted with explosive warheads.

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A wayward crow has managed to breach security at the Houses of Westminster and damage the new statue to the Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott. The crow peeled back the foil covering and began to eat the statue’s chocolate interior before officials managed to chase it off with a broom.

The Deputy Prime Minister has been informed about the damage, which is said to be superficial, and has demanded an enquiry why his likeness wasn’t case in bronze.

Said sculptor Marmaduke Murray: ‘there was a lot of paunch and chins to cast and we couldn’t afford that much bronze. Luckily, the crow didn’t get all the way through the rich milk chocolate and get to the caramel centre. Perhaps you could say it’s a bit too rich and ever so sickly but that’s why I’m an artist. I think I’ve captured the essence of the man.’