Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott is to personally trial a new government initiative to give the jobless lessons to improve their English.

The scheme is the brainchild of Welfare Minister Jim Murphy who explained that ‘potentially […] 40,000 people being denied the opportunity to work because they do not have the language skills to get a job.’ Even more pressing are thought to be an estimated one person whose lack of language skills prevent untold millions from working.

Language experts have already given the Deputy Prime Minister a series of popular tongue twisters to help his elocution and, appearing on BBC’s Question Time this week, Mr. Prescott has demonstrated that his debating skills are improving.

‘She may sells seashells but it in complete disregard of the proper government framework initiative policy regarding the distribution of produce in a seashore environment,’ Prescott explained. ‘What is furthermore, in the same way, Peter Piper picked his pickled peppers in contravention of all European and UK laws regarding the harvesting of pepper trees and without the proper mandate of the British Labour movement.’

Shilpa Shetty had declared herself happy that neither Swiss muesli nor pepper mills are racist. The announcement, to be aired on Channel 4 later this week, marks the latest update from the Bollywood star who become the nation’s conscience after becoming headline news when she was subjected to bullying by Jade Goody in the Big Brother house.

Since then, Shilpa has been at great pains to deny that the trouble was motivated by any form of racism and has now began adding things to her list. Last week, cheese wheels, mutton, and Yorkshire terriers were all deemed non-racist, though some have been alarmed that Shilpa refuses to endorse the East Devon countryside and eyebrows.

‘Whatever Shilpa says, goes,’ said Reg Spanner, one of Fleet Street’s leading editors whose hoping to get other newspapers to join his campaign against eyebrows. ‘They say are often the medium through which the messages of deeply institutionalised racism are conveyed,’ he explained. ‘We want to educate out readers about this menace. Think about it: Gary Glitter, Adolph Hitler… Men with eyebrows!’

‘It’s about time somebody pointed out that you can’t simply cock eyebrow and get away with it,’ agreed Davina McCall, who is backing the campaign. ‘On Monday, I ask that everybody in the nation pluck out their eyebrows and show Shilpa that she’s in our hearts.’

Britney Spears has responded furiously to accusations that she’s Lebanese and has issued a statement categorically denying rumours that she spends her times watching Lebanese videos.

‘This whole thing has been blown out of all proportion just because I’ve got a map of the Lebanon tattooed on my inner thigh,’ she said. ‘The truth is that I’ve never been anywhere in the Middle East and I’ve not even been to that county at all.’

For months the gossip in LA has been about rumours that Spears’ home is full of tapes, books, videos, and DVDs depicting people engaged in Lebanese acts. Some have even suggested that Spears herself is actually Lebanese and enjoys nothing more than spending a night with five or six of her Lebanese girlfriends.

‘I might have some videos,’ she admits, ‘but they were promotional material I picked up when I thought about going on holiday. In the end we went to the Caribbean. I suppose I should have had a tattoo of Bermuda put on my thigh instead but the Lebanon just happened to be exactly the same shape as a birthmark I’ve always wanted disguising.’

Those close to the singer suggest that the rumours are part of a carefully staged campaign by her husband, who she is in the process of divorcing. Yet the whole event has clearly not dented the singer’s sense of humour. ‘They can carry on saying that I’m Lebanese,’ she said ruefully, ‘but they can’t change the truth that my family is of Greek extraction and I’m really from the isle of Lesbos.’

Sting has promised to do at least half the peddling after persuading the other members of The Police to get on their bikes for a world tour. ‘I have calves like granite and thighs like lead,’ said the singer before making every member of the assembled media feel his legs. ‘I’ve spent the last two years training for this tour and I can now confirm we’ll be going around the world again.’

The band will be abandoning the luxury lifestyle of jets and limos in favour of a fleet of 27 speed Dawes Galaxy bicycles. Drummer Stewart Copeland admits that the challenge will be far greater for those in the group that have never cycled before. ‘This will be one of our most exciting tours,’ he admitted. ‘Unlike the time he made each us adopt an Amazonian tribe, this is one of Sting’s better ideas. We all trust in the power of his legs. Has he made you feel them yet?’

Sting has repeatedly promised to beat U2 to the record of making the first carbon neutral tour by a major band. Last year, Bono announced his long term ambition to tour the world in a kayak with the Rolling Stones promising the same only in wheelchairs. ‘

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Crowds cheered Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott as he arrived at the Victoria & Albert Museum in London for the opening of an exhibition detailing his glittering career in politics.

Pride of place at the centre of the collection are a pair of Y-fronts that Prescott wore throughout his celebrated carnal relationship with diary secretary, Tracy Temple. The sixty-eight inch wide pants are in the same condition as when they were discovered stuck behind a Downing Street filing cabinet. Now enclosed in a bullet proof glass case, the pants have be priced by independent assessors as being worth ‘nearly a pound’ and are expected to tour the country before being burned in a secure incinerator.

Touring the exhibits, Mr. Prescott quipped to reporters: ‘This is a marvellous exhibition and shows of why I am worth every single penny to this country which has given me so much and for which I am as grateful as it is possible to be, given the current economic and social environment of this country which is still, I hasten to add, suffering all the problems associated with nearly twenty years of mismanagement by a Tory government and all the problems entailed therein and only solved through a proper New Labour agenda of more money for schools and hospitals.’

Entrance to collection is free to all, but visitors are advised that some of the content is not suitable for those who suffer from high blood pressure. The exhibition runs until tomorrow.