Visiting Disneyland as part of a promotion for the company’s ‘Year of a Million Dreams’, David and Victoria Beckham were caught in a terrifying incident involving two of the park’s residents who took the opportunity to start building a nest in Victoria’s head.

The events were described in horrific detail by park-keeper Donald Duck whose bravery has been praised for his quick action, leaping between the combatants.

‘I saw that Chip and Dale were trying to build a nest and David had picked up the axe from Fantasia,’ Donald explained. ‘Of course, the problem with the Fantasia axe is that everything you chop up with it comes back in twice the number. Poor David went white when he thought that he’d chopped Victoria’s head off but we all shared a good laugh a few minutes later once he realised what had happened.’

Both Victoria Beckhams are said to be recovering from the ordeal, though David is said to be somewhat concerned by the outcome. ‘He’s worried that even on his ten million pound a game deal with LA Galaxy, he might not have enough money to pay for all flops to come out of two music careers,’ said a source close to the trio. ‘He’s also worried they might form a duet but that’s not so much a worry about money as David fearing what noises they could produce.’

Breasts! Lovely lovely breasts. Get ‘em while they’re hot!

That got your attention, sure enough, so it did! But ain’t that the kind of girl I am? In your face. I mean ‘IN YOUR FACE’. No messing about. Top model, top wife, top mother, and now according to ‘Conde Nasty Brides’ magazine, top bride as well. Can’t argue with that, can ya’? And that, ladies, is why I’m also a successful novelist. No pussyfooting around with me. Straight into the action. No plot. No setting the scene. Straight to the wobbly bits and make no mistake!

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The sexiest summer fashion hit this year will be the triple gusseted girdle with a double moisture absorbent lining. That’s the top tip from TV presenter Myleene Klass who has become the face of Marks & Spencer’s summer range of clothes.

‘I love to dress up in summer,’ gushes Myleene. ‘Bikinis and tight shorts are just not my thing. Who wants to wear low top vests and hot pants when you can wear something in a heavy polyester? Wool will also be big this summer, whether it’s in woollen boots with zips down the side or some fantastic knitted hats, preferably with an extra layer of insulation.’

Other highlights of the summer collection include low hems to hide puffiness about the ankles and a wide range of sombre colours to prevent a gentleman friend from getting too excited when he comes a-courting. And for those especially hot days on the beach, M&S have not forgot to include their full range of overcoats.

‘M&S know what a woman wants to be seen wearing on the deck of a cruise ship in the Caribbean,’ said Klass. ‘But if we provide the clothes, you’ll have to provide the latest Rosemay Pilcher and a bag of Werther’s Originals.’

Users of Google Earth have been finding some of the oddest shapes which are only visible from high above the ground. The queerest of all the has been spotted in rural Hampshire and the village of Downing Upon the Street. This is where the shrewdest of crop circle aficionados have been gathering to interpret the cryptic markings with many suggesting they are full of portent.

‘I can’t see a thing,’ said the local landowner, Laird Levy of Hamshire. ‘And what’s more, I didn’t see a thing either.’

Others with keener eyes are quick to argue that the signs are heavy with meaning. ‘You’d be a fool to miss them,’ said one member of the local constabulary. ‘The signs are all there if you care to look. I don’t know what to make of them except to say that if we catch anybody involved in this business, there could well be custodial sentence.’ Asked what the charges might be for somebody involved in ruining crops, the constable paused and looked out across the fields. ‘Without a doubt,’ he replied, ‘it would be a matter of perverting the course of harvest.’

Experts in computer modelling and predictive analysis are warning that a supersized Mexican baby may have a future that lies in the English town of Hull. Using the most advanced algorithms, able to estimate the future appearance and job prospects of a person, experts have narrowed the child’s career options down to either becoming a stand up comedian in Manchester or a Labour party worker in Hull.

‘The forecasts are fairly accurate even at this early stage,’ said Professor Pat Pending of Exeter University. ‘Based on previous data collected on subjects showing the same infant characteristics, this child will be blessed with abnormal amounts of luck in whatever career it chooses and will advance well beyond its abilities. It could even rise to become deputy in charge of some large failing company.’