(Story)

New computer technology has made a big difference to the latest Laurel & Hardy DVDs that go on sale in Iran this week. This is Laurel and Hardy as they were originally meant to be seen: without ties.

‘Unfortunately, many people have been misled by American lies and they fail to realise that Laurel & Hardy were actually Iranian and made all their films in Tehran,’ explains Dr. EsmAeel Shrimpmead, head of Tie Removal Project at Iranian State TV. ‘Ties are an imperialist signifier of westernised values and were only added to the films in the 1950s when America imposed their values on everything including Iran’s greatest comedy double act.’

The DVDs have also had their original titles restored for the first time, so fans can finally sit down and enjoy such classics as ‘Way Out East’, ‘Sons of the Desert’, ‘Either Pardon Us or Chop Off Our Hands’, and everybody’s favourite, ‘A Quiet Intense Student Studying Nuclear Fission At Oxford’.

Iran has launched its latest heavy battleship in response to the perceived hostile overtures of the United States who this week conducted wargames in the Persian Straight. In trails, the new ‘Redgrave’ class cruiser managed a top speed of five miles per hours, though this can be doubled if the heavy machine gun is firing in the right direction.

‘We want the Americans to know that we will not sit idly by should they attack us,’ said Admiral Harry Ahmadinejad of the Iranian Navy. ‘And next week we plan to launch a new type of pedalo powered by weighty English cricketers, successfully kidnapped from the West Indies by our Republican Guard this morning.’

Lucien Freud’s latest commission is bound to raise a few pounds as well as the customary eyebrows. His latest subject is TV funnyman Sid Little, who he agreed to capture on canvas as part of this year’s Comic Relief.

As part of the agreement that saw the normally reclusive painter take part, Rolf Harris had to agree to paint his first nude study of a three hundred pound female midget holding a pot of gladioli over her head. ‘It was a challenge,’ admitted Rolf, breathlessly. ‘But in the end I even managed to get little Rolfaroo on her right buttock.’

Meanwhile, Sid Little was more than happy with his likeness. ‘I think it’s smashing,’ said Sid. ‘Though I didn’t like the way that Rolf turned up at the studio and forced his way into my pants just to draw a Rolfaroo on my buttocks.’

Andrew Lloyd Webber has finally admitted that he’s to blame for Connie Fisher’s throat injury.

‘I confess, it was all my fault,’ said the multi-millionaire showman, composer, and vampire, as he hung from the rafters in his Hampshire home and castle. ‘But can I be blamed when Connie has such a lovely drop of AB+ running through her veins. It really is quite rare, you know?’

Speaking to Hello Magazine, Baron Lloyd-Webber of Sydmonton has for the first time revealed the secrets behind the dark arts that have held London’s theatreland in thrall for so long. ‘Much of my inspiration comes late at night, darlings,’ he said. ‘I came up with the theme of The Phantom of the Opera after I had a drop of Tim’s AB−, which is the rarest of the lot. They say Cole Porter would touch nothing less. Jesus Christ Superstar was an B- and By Jeeves was a plain old O+ and wasn’t very good at all. Mike Reid drinks nothing but that which explains a lot if you ask me.’

The interview is sure to bring attention to a widely ignored side to the West End. So rampant has become the spread of vampirism through musical theatre that audiences have recently been issued with garlic and stakes at the doors to some of the biggest shows.

‘There will come a time when all music is written by vampires,’ promised the Baron. ‘And then the whole world will be an elevator playing our kind of middle-of-the-road light classical soft pop.’