The Royal Mint has moved quickly to ensure that there will be enough two pence pieces in circulation in time for the drop in income tax announced by the Chancellor in yesterday’s budget. Said the Mint’s chairman, Sir Marmaduke Copperbottom on Thursday: ‘we are now minting new “Gordons”, as the coins are already known, and they should fill the demand.’

Sir Copperbottom was quick to issue a warning about the new coins. ‘We’re asking people to be careful with the “Gordons”,’ he said. ‘They tarnish when left too long in the pocket and polishing only makes it worse as they have a terrible habit of trying rise above their station and become five pence pieces. If you must handle them, then please do so as the government intended: give them away with one hand and take them away with the other.’

Vatican officials are trying to track down the man they believe led mass as St. Peter’s yesterday before fleeing with a fleetness of foot normally attributed to athletes of the highest calibre. Said Det. Louis Haddock of the Vatican Police: ‘The stride pattern suggests that this gentleman probably runs the 100 meters in less than ten seconds and was educated at Oxford University’.

The man is thought to have entered the Vatican on a visitor’s pass before dressing up as the Pope and holding an audience with God during which God asked for help with his punctuation, spelling, and the rise of atheism. Three pilgrims claimed to have experience miraculous cures during the episode. Previously unable to detect any smell, they reported an odour they described as vaguely like that of the farmyard, possibly the smell of ‘bull’.

Before he made his escape, the imposter told worshippers that ‘there is only one true gospel and that’s The Gospel of the Archer, soon to be published in hardback and softback, available from all good bookshops. Buy it now people!’

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After his attempt to sail a pedalo to Cuba ended with his being rescued from the open sea, Andrew Flintoff accepted his punishment on Monday by agreeing to model the new England cricket strip.

The kit is the most high-tech strip yet fielded by an international team, with a new luminous orange protective helmet and an integrated drinks system that ensures that the players will not dehydrate in the West Indian heat. Its inventors claim that although it looks like a traffic cone, the helmet’s high crown ensures that cool air will gather at the bottom, with the hot air rising to the top. It also affords maximum protection when staggering drunk down the middle of a duel carriageway.

‘The guys love it,’ added Flintoff on his way to get another round of drinks from the bar. ‘A traffic cone on the head has to be one of the top ten funniest pranks’. Asked what he thought the funniest, he replied that ’sailing a pedalo to Cuba is pretty funny but even that isn’t as funny as the idea of England winning the Ashes. That was just a riot.’

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John Prescott has left the Cambodian orphanage where he yesterday adopted a two week old meat pie. It is thought that Mr. Prescott has already named the pie ‘Crusty Topping’ and it is expected that both he and the pie will be flying back to the UK in the next few days.

This is latest adoption controversy surrounding a high profile celebrity. Only last month, Madonna flew to Malawi and adopted a cheese and onion quiche and, since then, pressure has grown on authorities to stop these ready meal adoptions. Meanwhile, Mr. Prescott maintains that he had done nothing wrong. ‘I’m here for my pie and I’m answering no questions,’ he said earlier when he arrived in the country. Yet when he was challenged to explain why he had chosen to adopt a pie from Cambodia when there are many pies in the UK that do not have homes, Mr. Prescott lashed out at reporters claiming ‘I’m famished, now bugger off!’

Mr. Prescott has already adopted dozens of pies, many of which now live in his home in his Hull constituency. He was recently pictured in national newspapers pushing a meatloaf down Oxford Street in a pram and has repeatedly spoken about his love of thick rims, deep fillings, and juicy gravy.

‘Zeros are in very short supply,’ explains Bob Smithy as he led us around his factory in Kent where the majority of the country’s zeros are still made by hand. ‘The rising price of the London Olympics means that everybody needs more zeros but there soon won’t be enough to go around. We’re working 24/7 just to keep up with demand.’

Smithy’s business has been around for over a century, yet people laughed when his grandfather when he established the business to help the country count Queen Victoria’s children and grand children. It had its first real success as newspapers started to report the body count during the First World War and was firmly established as the nation’s primary source of zeros during the Great Depression.
Today, the zero-making business has reached new levels with the Iraq War and global warming to blame for the need to express very large numbers. ‘We’ve just finished a special run to make all the zeros ready for Paul McCartney’s divorce settlement,’ Smithy added as he showed us a room full of noughts. ‘But you should come and see the warehouse of zeros he have waiting for when the government announce the real cost of the London Olympics.’