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After Jim Bowen revealed that he’s having second thoughts about his new career as an X Factor judge, he is sure to feel further insult with the news that Tory shadow chancellor George Osborne has hosted a one-off edition of Bullseye in aid of Comic Relief.

‘I’ve always been a big fan of Bullseye and I sit on the darts committee at my local pub,’ said Osborne. ‘You might say that it’s always been a dream of mine to host the show.’ Critics have accused the Tory party of trying to downplay their privileged upbringing by adopting working class sports.

Last month, David Cameron admitted that he loves to play dominoes while eating fish and chips in his pigeon loft, but Osborne is quick to tell us about his lifelong love for the oche. ‘I have my very own dartboard at home and there have been many times when my chums from the shadow cabinet have come around and we’ve held high level discussions while playing a game of around the board. Oliver Letwin has the best aim but nobody can beat David Willetts at 501. His nine dart finish is something really special.’

‘That’s super, that’s great,’ stutters the seventy year old man sitting behind the desk. Clearly left confused after just witnessing a fifteen minute Jackson Five medley by a tone deaf vacuum cleaner salesman from Southend-on-Sea, Jim Bowen must be wondering what’s become of his once glittering career.

Replacing Louis Walsh as one of the judges for this year’s X Factor has been a difficult task for the ex-Bullseye presenter, despite all his protestations otherwise. ‘Oh, it’s super, it’s smashing, it’s just great,’ he says, ‘but if I have any criticisms at all, it’s that there aren’t as many trumpet players as I expected to find when I agreed to join the show.’

Trumpets (or the lack thereof) is a reason whey his old friend Tony Green advised him against taking part. ‘Well there are many reasons why I told him not to take the X Factor gig,’ says Green. ‘For ONE, he doesn’t need the money. For TWO, they don’t pay him enough. For THREE, the show doesn’t involve either darts or trumpets.’

Clearly, the trumpet is an important part of Bowen’s life. He has played the instrument since his youth and has long championed its use in championship darts. ‘I taught Jockie Wilson how to shoot darts out of a trumpet,’ explains Bowen. ‘We thought it would add to the mystery of the game but the governing body never took to the idea. Such a shame. Jockie had a fine set of lungs on him in his prime.’

Asked if he believes that this year’s X Factor contestants are up to those from yesteryear, Bowen’s jowls visibly droop. ‘I miss the clothes and hairdos of the early 1980s,’ he admits. ‘And because of inflation, I can’t count the prize money out in the space of a break. And where’s the speedboat? I asked Simon if we could give them all a speedboat and he refused. Wouldn’t even let me give them a caravan. A show like this and they won’t let me give the contestants a caravan! I’ve even be told that I can’t warn people about getting “two in a bed”. They tell me I can’t make value judgements like that about people’s lives.’ He looks to the door where the next contestant will soon appear.

‘And every time I look up,’ he finally confesses with tears in his eyes, ‘I expect to see Bully…’

On the day that Ford sold the company to a UK consortium, Aston Martin have revealed their new green version of the Vanquish.

The car comes complete with twin wind turbines to power the CD changer, a solar panel on the bonnet to run the windscreen wipers (except on cloudy or rainy days), and headlights equipped with long life, low energy bulbs. The front of the car has also been subtly adapted to include two airbags specially designed not to harm squirrels, hedgehogs, or children.

‘With this Vanquish we’ve done everything we could to make it friendly to the environment yet retain its sleek lines,’ said lead design engineer, Reginald Woodbine. ‘Two thirds of its outer shell is made from recycled yogurt pots and its engine has been heavily modified to work with on a single cylinder. We’ve planted water cress in the other seven to help keep the engine running cool and clean.’

Mr. Woodbine was quick to dispel fears that the compromises also extend to performance. ‘The car’s top speed is capped at a more than respectable 69mph,’ he admitted. ‘Research has shown us that most of our owners never go that fast and new owners are sure to like innovation as they will never need to again worry about the exceeding the highest speeds allowed on Britain’s roads.’

The car drew mixed receptions at the Geneva Motor Show with many journalists questioning the inclusion of fold out steps. ‘We’ve done our calculations,’ said Mr. Woodbine. ‘Most people who own an Aston Martin are elderly by the time they can afford one of our cars and asked that we provide an easy way into the driver’s seat, which owners will also be delighted to hear are now fully non-absorbant and easily wiped down in case of accidents’.

On the day that he announced he will not be seeking re-election, President Jacques Chirac has confirmed that he and his elder twin brother Maurice will represent France at this year’s Eurovision contest.

Last week, the President’s sibling let slip the news that ‘The Two Chiracs’ had agreed to resume the musical career which ended 45 years ago when Jacques, the younger by three minutes, decided to abandon his love of the harmonica to run for government. Since then Maurice has made a successful career as a musician and as inventor of the French accordion, which is famous for being the only instrument played by the wearer shrugging in a vaguely indifferent manner.

‘It’s just a matter of getting some time in the studio to sort out the musical arrangement to one of the lyrics Jacques has been writing during his time in office,’ said Maurice. ‘He has a few songs ready but I think the one he wrote during long negotiations with the Germans suits the contest the best.’ That single, ‘You Vote For Me Neighbour, We’ll Vote For You, Let’s Stuff The United Kingdom Together!’ will be released next month and is expected to be a big hit in most Eurovision nations. The Chiracs will then begin a world tour which will avoid all armed conflicts, war zones and hot spots.

As you’ll have probably noticed, my web host have been having problems since Friday. They’ve had to move the site to a new server due to a hardware failure. It means that everything is still a bit hit and miss. Hope you’ll bear with me until this is all sorted.

Midget Subbuteo, Monkeys With Hammers, and Graham Norton’s ‘Feel My Marrow!’ are among the line-up in ITV’s spring programmes which the company’s executive chairman, Michael Grade, promises will see a return of quality programming to the ailing channel.

‘I’m most pleased to see Midget Subbuteo in our schedule,’ said Grade at the launch of the spring programs. ‘It’s the sort of original ground breaking show we want to see on our screens. It’s also the first time that Penelope Keith has agreed to host a show, which adds a bit of class to what is effectively a standard game of Subbuteo football but with a novel twist I don’t want to give away at this time.’

The channel’s new chairman went on to announce the return of the News at Ten and an increasing output of factual programming. ‘I’m pleased to announce a return of quality documentaries to the channel,’ Grade said. ‘With shows such as “When Dogs Vomit”, “Celebrity Drinking Club”, and “Sexy Nuns” we think we’re making a valuable contribution to the cultural well being of this nation.’

Perhaps Grade left the biggest surprise until last. ‘I’m delighted to announce that we’re planning to air the whole of Charlotte Church’s pregnancy,’ he said. ‘It will culminate in a star studded show from the delivery room which we hope will be a night full of saucy language, witty banter and a reunion of the cast of Tiswas for some gunge and fun.’

Hat Tip: Mr. Eugenides