Suddenly the newly laid turf catches fire, the penalty box leaks sulphur, and hot lava rises through the pitch length crack as in the distance the first unholy sound of an acoustic guitar is heard strumming along to the lyrics ‘You gotta have faith, faith, faith…’

That’s right. The stuff of nightmares has finally come true for football fans everywhere as George Michael announced on Sunday that he will be the first major act to perform at the new Wembley Stadium.

Yet, surprisingly, it is music lovers who have been quickest to voice their protests, picketing the FA headquarters in the hope that they can persuade the owners of the new home of English football to delay the project for another year or two.

Meanwhile, football fans have launched a campaign after it was claimed that portals to the underworld will damage the playing surface. Said one fan, Ken Poalgost, ‘we can’t have demonic presences using the new stadium as a means of entering this corporeal realm to wreak their wicked ways upon christian souls. They should practise their wickedness elsewhere where it’s more welcome… such as Stanford Bridge.’

Meanwhile, a spokeman for the singer said that ‘George is looking forward to the honour of opening the new stadium and consuming plenty of human souls lured to the concert by the promise of tuneful melodies.’

Tesco have released a picture of the man they believe is the behind the recent outbreak of contaminated fuel throughout the south east of England. The man is thought to harbour a grudge against car drivers and is waging a one-man campaign against traffic by filling car fuel tanks with a special brew of his own making.

‘We can confirm that urine containing traces of Cuban tequila and newt juice have been found in the contaminated fuel,’ said a Tesco spokesperson. ‘We think this person is topping up tanks with something that the engine management system was never built to manage. We’ve yet to discover how he managed to contaminate so many cars in such a short period of time but all hospitals in London have been asked to look out for a man with an abnormally large bladder and who rides a bicycle.’

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(Story)