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UPDATE: The Orlando Bloom Enlightenment Project continues to make huge advances. Reaching the third level of enlightenment on Thursday, the pointy-eared actor celebrated by adding his friend Richard Gere to the long list of things he can now levitate.

‘It was a great karmic experience though there was a horrible aroma of goat,’ said Gere. ‘It felt like I was floating on a sea of good reviews. I’ve not felt like that since I starred in Days of Heaven which oddly enough, also smelt of goat.’

Bloom meanwhile has finally responded to critics who complain that spiritual enlightenment should not be mocked by cheap jokes about levitation. ‘To be enlightened is to know that a smile is better than a frown,’ the grey elf said before retiring to his banyan tree where he was said to be experimenting with his new powers of night vision, increased sneak abilities, and an extra slot for a level one spell.

Chelsea are to install a new high tech dugout after manager Jose Mourinhio complained of being able to smell John Terry’s dirty socks during the recent Champion’s League quarter final match against Valencia.’A club the size of Chelsea, we need bigger laundry baskets,’ said Mourinhio. ‘The stench? Terrible! But what am I to do? Fine him? He’s my captain. The spirit of my team. But his feel smell. They smell bad. I ask board if we can get new central defender without smelly feet and they say no… So, what can I do? I must cope. Cope with John’s smelly feet one day. Then the smell of Frank Lampard’s athletic support the next. I’m special one for putting up with such smells.’

The response from Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has been typically extravagant. He has ordered the construction of new fifteen million pound dugout, complete with odour-eater astroturf and Mourinhio-sized hampers. It clearly hasn’t impressed his manager who continued to bemoan the lack of support.

‘What we do this season is amazing when you consider John’s feet. They smell of the English pickled onions. You look around. Manchester United? Liverpool? Not one pair of smelly feet. No pickly onion smell. They all have it so easy.’

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