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UPDATE: In only the third week of his meditative state, Orlando Bloom has managed to levitate a goat. Fans who had flocked to the small village in Northern India watched the star focus his mental powers to raise the animal fifteen feet into the air before returning it safely to the ground. Bloom is said to have been pleased by the result and hopes to levitate a zebu in the coming weeks.’I've always said that he does all his own stunts and this proves it,’ said Prissy Sputnik, from the Ohio branch of the Orlando Bloom Fan Club. ‘I’ve not seen him do anything as amazing as this since Return of the King when he single-handedly killed an oliphaunt at the Battle of the Pelennor Fields.’

Putting talk of addictions behind her, top fashion model, Kate Moss, launched her own collection of clothes for Topshop this week. Yet if her designs are sure to raise a few eyebrows, Kate doesn’t seem to care. Finally putting her troubles with drugs behind her, she claims the collection represent a new lucid time in her life.

‘These clothes speak to me as a modern woman,’ says Kate. ‘I know this because the green unicorn told me. He said if we are to find the days of Albion again, the owls must be hunted down and nails driven through their earlobes.’

The highlight of the range is a hat which is expected to fetch ten thousand pounds at auction next week. Kate explained how the design came to her in a dream. ‘I’d eaten some cheese really late at night. It must have been nearly half past ten. This is the wonderful result,’ she said. ‘I don’t recommend it to anybody. Eating cheese after nine o’clock is dangerous but sometimes we artists do these things for our art. Pete says the hat reminds him of the early work of Apollinaire but I think he’s confusing it with my underwear. My knickers are really quite Dadaesque.’

Orlando Bloom’s next big project is a ten year meditation on the nature of good and evil. The Lord of the Rings actor has already vacated his luxury Beverly Hill’s home for a banyan tree high in Udipur region of India. ‘This is my chance to discover who I really am,’ he said before starting his meditation, three weeks ago. ‘My only worry is that my inner self will be as bloody good looking as my outer self and forever doomed to play the part of the good guy.’

Already Bloom claims to have reached the first level of enlightenment and now acknowledges that Troy was a really bad film and that Johnny Depp is the only reason people watch Pirates of the Caribbean.  ‘After ten years, I expect to be wise enough to recognise an Oscar winning script and also be old enough take some character-driven roles that ask me to do more than occasionally furrow my eyebrows, snarl, or give smouldering looks to camera,’ he added before drifting into a transcendental state.

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A self-confessed Nazi is facing a storm of protest after admitting that he enjoys the music of Roxy Music. The German fan had made the startling confession during an interview with a Berlin newspaper. ‘I’m influenced by the work of Bryan Ferry,’ he said. ‘I like the cut of his suit and the iconography of his album covers. The way he commands an audience is just amazing. Really beautiful’.

The admission has led to calls for the banning of anything that carries the Roxy Music style. People dressed in black evening suits or leather are to be outlawed while Jerry Hall has also been issued with a court order preventing her from making dog noises.

(The Party Political Broadcast)

When The Magic Roundabout returns to our screens in the autumn, many people’s childhood world will look a little different to how it did when produced finished on the series some thirty six years ago. Zebedee, that fanatical acolyte of the spring, will still be found bouncing around the landscape but now he’s packed with explosive fun, ready to detonate the sense of humour of every child, young or old. Then there’s Ermintrude, the cow with a zany take on the world who is never happier than when chewing on a piece of infected spinal column. Dylan, the hippie rabbit, is just a little older, wiser, and has his own show on BBC Radio Two where he plays middle-of-the-road classics.

But the character who has struggled to adapt to a new generation is Brian Browne, the snail who just can’t make his mind up about anything. A new generation of children will soon be able to watch his crazy adventures as he changes his mind on a daily basis. Some days he even doubts he’s a snail and thinks he’s a British cabinet minister in charge of defence. And who knows what will happen in the world of The Magic Roundabout? Perhaps tomorrow he’ll believe he’s on the back benches and then on his way into opposition.

The new series has the full support of the Prime Minister who was at the BBC TV Centre for its launch. ‘Stories are important to children but they’re also important to adults,’ he said as he posed with Brian on his shoulder. ‘That’s why we wanted our sailors to tell their sides of the story. Then we realised that stories are very powerful things, so perhaps we should have our sailors tell their stories but leave it to proper storytellers such as Iranian State TV. But that’s what’s so wonderful about The Magic Roundabout: it leaves us all feeling very dizzy, so we don’t know if we’re coming or going.’