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Defence Secretary Des Browne today announced the successful completion of the sea trials for the UK’s newest frigate. HMS Indecisive is the first of the so called ‘Class Q Subsection 2a’ battleships to be built under the government’s new rules of engagement. Armed with two forward firing gun turrets for purely ceremonial purposes, the ship’s main line of defence comes in the form of the three decks of administrators, efficiency consultants, and risk assessors. The latest state of the art conference facilities help ease the burden of paperwork, EU directives, and other legal niceties.

Along with its creche facilities and aromatherapy centre, Indecisive also has a fully equipped boardroom where navy personnel can run stress councilling services for hostile aggressors. The ship is armed two white flags, fore and aft, and can be scuttled in a class-leading fifteen seconds. In the case of a real emergency, the ship is also outfitted with communications gear allowing them to make immediate contact with the nearest US navy battle fleet.

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Scientists have promised that the prototype of the first hypocrisy-detecting camera will be ready for the Live Earth concert. The camera uses a specially coated lens sensitive to the wavelength of all forms of natural and man-made hypocrisy. Makers claim that it is capable of detecting even the slightest presence of hypocrisy, down to the theoretical limit known as the ‘Jolie Minimum’.

During tests this week, the camera’s inventors expressed concern at the possibility of the large number of people travelling to Wembley Stadium adding to natural hypocrisy levels on the night.

‘We’re not worried about the camera working at its lower tolerances but whether it will cope with the high levels of hypocrisy that may completely cover the venue,’ explained the camera’s inventor, Professor Walter Crumb. ‘We’re also bothered by the effect of what we call the “Madonna” scenario whereby limousines, pyrotechnic special effects, and huge entourages make the camera redundant, since the hypocrisy will be so thick in the air that it will begin to register on the human senses.’

(IMDB)