The government’s decision to prevent sailors from selling their stories for large sums of money has caused one salty old sea dog to break ranks and declare a mutiny until the ban is overturned.

Chief Petty Officer J. Archer, a Royal Navy reservist, called Des Browne’s announcement a ’shambles’ and promised that he’d be swabbing no more decks until the Defence Secretary reconsidered the matter. ‘I have many tales to tell and many fortunes yet to make,’ he said. ‘And I swear by all the barnacles on my bottom that decks will go unpooped and timbers left unshivered until I get justice. Yaargh…’

In what amounted to an unprecedented attack on the Royal Navy by a serving sailor, the Chief Petty Officer went on to criticise the readiness of the navy. ‘They were totally unprepared when a dashing young novelist joined up to research his next novel, which is called The Gospel of Jonah,’ said Archer. ‘It happens to be the story of one man’s totally unlawful imprisonment in the stomach of a large grey institution. Audiences will love it, which makes it vitally important that this silly prohibition is rescinded.’

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1. The ears of the non-believer.
2. Max Clifford’s phone number.
3. Second hand ex-military inflatable boat with GPS unit.
4. A box of genuine Hamas hummus.
5. Tickets to Take That’s Tehran concert.
6. A box of Mr. Mahmoud Kipling’s Yellowcake.
7. A rare hand-made Iranian tie.
8. Souvenir stoning pebbles.
9. The Beano’s Bumper Book of Interrogation Japes.
10. Beyond Name, Rank, and Serial Number: The Soundtrack Album.
11. A ‘Screw the UN’ t-shirt.
12. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s Guide to International Diplomacy (Fanatical Student Edition).
13. An Iranian battleship in a bottle (life-sized).
14. A Telly Tubby cuddly toy (without hands).
15. A bowl of Telly Tubby chloroform custard.
16. The TV rights to George Bush’s ‘How Do You Solve a Problem Like Mahmoud?’
17. Car keys to the dark saloon parked ominously across street late at night.
18. Lip stick (aka, the stick used for lip-loosening beatings).
19. Commemorative Tea Towel to mark the arrival of Four Horseman of the Apocalypse.
20. Fatwa Free Fudge.

The Royal Navy has admitted that it is rethinking the role of female troops in front line positions after the recent kidnapping of British service personnel by the Iranians.

‘We’re looking to recruit a new breed of unkidnappable female sailors,’ said Rear Vice Admiral Sir Horace Loophole. ‘They need to be tough, independently minded ladies of impeccable manners but able to swear like a miner when they’re in the wrong company. Ideally, they need to be sort of women who we would be quite happy to see kidnapped and any hostage taker would only be too quick to release.’

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The separation of G4 will cause even greater damage to the world’s musical environment than previously thought. That’s the conclusion of the UN committee set up to report on the imminent break up of the X Factor finalists.

‘While G4 remained a single entity, we could be confident that their damage was limited to a single region,’ says the report. ‘Computer models now predict that with four individual warheads – or, as we like to call them: Ben, Jon, Mike and the chubby one – there is likely to be four times the amount of damage. It could be greater than the break up of Bucks Fizz or Take That. We honestly don’t know.’

Churches are reporting increased attendances since the announcement, but the government has urged calm and have promised that wherever a G4 ‘warhead’ lands, the army will be sent in to prevent the possibility of a solo career. ‘We’re taking this threat very seriously,’ said an Army spokesman. ‘We hope that the four warheads will come to land in a seaside resort where their damage can be kept to a minimum during short summer seasons.’

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With the launch of the new Lockheed Festival 4000, music lovers travelling to Glastonbury this year will feel in the festival spirit as soon as their helicopter picks them up from their helipad in the centre of London. Having had its landing gear replaced with green Wellington boots and a shooting stick, the helicopter is easy on the environment and quieter than Joss Stone singing a Whitney Houston medley. A whole two decibels quieter.

‘We wanted a helicopter that would blend in with the average Glastonbury reveler,’ said Herbert Prop, chief engineer on the project. ‘With less millionaires expected this year and more billionaires, it’s time the tired old image of chauffeur driven limos was replaced by something more in keeping with the spirit of the festival.’

Festival organisers are doing their best to prevent the poor crashing the party with plans to put 50000 volts through the perimeter fence given the council’s go ahead in a meeting with safety officers on Monday. ‘We’re going to fry more ticketless peons than ever before,’ said an event spokesman. ‘We hope their burning carcases will provide a wonderful backdrop as Bratz Girls performs on stage and help remind the world that Glastonbury is a festival all about the music!’