Audiences are promised that they will see a more mature Harry Potter in the fifth film of the popular series but it’s an aspect of the movie’s launch that actor Daniel Radcliffe admits worries him the most. ‘I don’t know if fans are ready for the older Harry,’ he said ahead of the première this month in Japan. ‘All I can say that if fans aren’t ready to see a pipe smoking man of mature years who enjoys a bit of naturism on a Sunday, then perhaps they don’t understand what we’re trying to do with this most fascinating of characters.’

Despite Radcliffe’s concerns, it’s probably Rupert Grint who plays Ron Weasley who, out of all the original cast, has changed the most over the years. ‘Yes, I find it strange looking at myself in the early films,’ he admits. ‘But the characters have aged with us. Of course, I get some stick and Daniel keeps making fun of me. He tells people that I’m beginning to look like Bob Hoskins. Personally, I can’t see any resemblance.’

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix goes on general release next month and producers are cautiously optimistic that fans will love what they’ve done to the screen adaptation of J.K. Rowling’s novel. ‘There’s a very funny bit when Ron starts to complain about his rheumatics,’ promises Grint. ‘We added that bit after Daniel complained of aches in his joints. I told him that’s what you get when you go running around naked on a stage five nights a week but you know Daniel… Nothing can stop him getting naked with a pipe full of shag tobacco and a copy of Trout Fisherman’s Monthly.’

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Not happy with being the world’s most powerful celebrity, talk show host Oprah Winfrey is set to take her career to the next stage by launched her own army. Yet using a fraction of her immense fortune to create the third largest military force in the world has been the smallest of her problems. ‘I’ve been more bothered about getting enough throw pillows to make the inside of the tanks comfortable,’ she admitted to readers of her magazine this week.

Oprah’s plans have already started a race to catch up with her among Hollywood’s super rich and critics of her plans have already expressed concern that celebrities will take the law into their own hands. They warn of the dangers of box office rivalries becoming a full scale armed conflict.

Oprah remains defiant, however, and insists that she’s doing the right thing. ‘We celebrities drive the news, give our friends and relatives the best jobs and all the opportunities. The only thing we’ve left to the average people do is to fight our wars for us. Now, with Oprah’s War Club, things are going to change. My army will be use primarily for peaceful purposes and each week, I’ll give my viewers a chance to ring in and choose a trouble spot somewhere in the world. My army will immediately deploy go over there and sort it out.’

In the UK, Richard & Judy have already promised a response. ‘They successfully copied Oprah’s book club and now they’ll try to do the same again,’ admitted a producer on the show. ‘Richard is particularly excited by the prospect of invading Belgium over the summer.’

Richard Madeley has responded fiercely to suggestions that his latest tattoo proves that he is in love with himself.

‘It’s not about me, it’s about the artist,’ he told the June issue of Top Tattoo Magazine. ‘Trevor does all my tattoos for me and this is probably his best work so far. I’d say it’s better than the name of my favourite TV presenter he put on my right ankle last year.’

In the interview, Madeley also reveals for the first time that his life-long fascination with body art means he has a new tattoo done each year. ‘My back is the next big project,’ he explained. ‘I want a crucifix done of the male half of the UK’s top book reviewing couple and then the year after that I intend to have my most ambitious tattoo yet. I’m having my own face tattooed onto my face. It will be a fitting tribute to one of TV’s greatest talents.’

BBC Wildlife Magazine has launched its own line of accessories for readers wanting to put some fun into their gardens this summer. Top of the range is the life sized Bill Oddie bird table which stands all of four feet and eight inches high and comes with a selection of khaki Hawaiian shirts that will blend in with any herbaceous border. The table is made from quality moulded plastic and there will be a limited run of two hundred tables that include facial hair taken from the real Bill Oddie. Priced at a reasonable £21.99, all tables are fully machine washable and are sure to attract wildlife and old folk to any garden.

Next year, the BBC will extend the range to include a Natasha Kaplinsky cat basket and a Dawn French badger baiting shovel.

London’s mayor, Ken Livingstone, today met his Cuban counterpart for a cultural exchange seminar in the London Assembly building. A controversial figure in his own country, Mayor Kenyo Livezstonez had earlier seen for himself the impact that congestion charges have made on the city. ‘This is what we hope to copy in Cuba,’ he told reporters as he followed traffic control officers on their rounds. ‘Donkeys with baskets, pack mules, and old ladies carrying groceries on head… This is wonderful example of what local government can do to help prevent America destroy the world with their combustion engines.’

Later in the day, Mayor Livingstone announced plans to import a thousand Cuban donkeys to help ease the burden on London’s fleet of taxis. ‘Working together, Havana and London will show the rest of the world how a modern metropolis can be both green and prosperous,’ he drawled before announcing plans to import five hundred old ladies carrying groceries on their heads. ‘Does anything symbolise London,’ he asked, ‘more than a pensioner trying to carry their own weight in potatoes?’

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