The claims by villagers in India that they’ve spotted Bigfoot stalking the jungles around their homes have been dismissed by scientists who believe the huge creature to be a British reality TV star down on her luck. ‘She’s not even been nominated for a Blog Power award,’ said one expert called in by the authorities to identify the prowling beast.

Reports began to surface about a week ago when encyclopaedia salesman Mr. Ashah Magpul claimed he was attacked by a vicious creature who began to describe books as ‘f****** b******* t******* r******’. He immediately reported the incident to the police. Not 24 hours later, villagers began to complain of the smell of stale beer coming from the jungle and the sound of snarling which they described as ‘cockney’.

A team of government wildlife experts were called into capture the beast but contact was lost with them less than an hour after they entered the jungle. It’s believed that the creature got lost during a recent goodwill tour. The British government have made no comment are not thought to be in a rush to track the beast down.

Uncaring UK websites are considering deploying sonic weapons, outlawed by the US Army, as part of the ongoing fight to remind people to vote and place them higher in the Blog Power Awards. Websites are to arm themselves with sonic guns loaded with the music of Sir Cliff Richard. Deemed inhumane by the UN last year, the guns can reduce a building to rubble in less time that it takes him to sing ‘Summer Holiday’.

During trials last week, the weapon was accidentally discharged into a group of old ladies who were said to have been thrilled by the experience but left them facing steep laundry bills for ruined underwear. Cliff, meanwhile, has said he is horrified by the weaponisation of his life’s work. ‘I was meant to bring joy to people,’ he said. ‘I never thought I’d become a WMD.’

This is a picture of a dog with a moustache. Not very funny, is it? But this is what happens when a loyal readership doesn’t vote for for man whose been turning out high quality satire for the whole of the last year! I lose the will to update my blog with sparkling original material. This is my 1000th post. Let’s just hope the 1001st will be of a higher quality…

The only way to ensure better material, and to prevent the exploitation of dogs wearing hats, carrying suitcases, or even getting mildly confused by umbrellas, is to get over to those Blog Power awards and vote for The Spine in the best blog category once day every day until next Wednesday. I can’t be held responsible for my actions if I come last.

I mean, smell the coffee, people! We’re being pounding into the ground by the bloody Wife in the North? Is there anything as humbling as that? I think not. Do we lovers of all that dark and cynical want to be beaten by stories of sweet little urchins finding grey hairs in a brush on a mother’s dressing table? ‘But Mommy? Does this mean you’re going to be like Granny?’ ‘Not at all, little Jessica. I won’t be smelling of rotten eggs and writing letters to the Kaiser.’ Oh, save us from stories about finger painting!

So, this is an ultimatum. If the threat of Krankie porn was enough to get me through the nominations stage, I’m not afraid of posting more of it to get my vote moving. Do you really want more naked pictures of Bing Crosby? Because unless those votes start coming in, that’s the sort of stuff you’ll be getting from now on. No more satire against our fabourite targets. It will be dogs with moustaches and pictures of Russ Abbot wearing onion earrings. You have been warned.

(Don’t make me beg for your vote… Well, okay I’m begging!)

(Shoot me now…)

(Genius)

Sick and disgusting images purporting to be of children’s TV act The Krankies were exposed as fakes yesterday. The images, posted on the internet, are believed to be part of a scheme to get internet users to vote for a daily satirical blog in The Blog Power Awards. The website that created the pictures cannot to be named for legal reasons but its owner was being sought last night by investigators acting on behalf of the wizened stars of stage and screen. The estate of the late Bing Crosby is also involved in the manhunt and is thought to be providing melodious whistling to keep track of the bloodhounds.

‘The websites that host this kind of sick and twisted pornography do so for a very select audience with very special interests,’ said one of the detectives leading the hunt. ‘Its visitors tend to be clever, quick witted individuals, with generous souls and always ready to put a minute aside to go email their nominations into The Blog Power Awards. They are men and women who recognise the hard work that goes into trying to be funny every day of the week (except Christmas) and are willing to reward that kind of dedication.’

The Krankies were not available for comment and the effect of the pictures has yet to been seen by those that measure trends on the web. ‘We’re seeing people voting for all the usual big blogs and too few people voting for a website that doesn’t give a monkey’s arse about politics or the truth,’ said an industry watchdog. ‘Satirical websites deserve people’s votes but they usually miss out because it’s much harder to produce as much ORIGINAL CONTENT on a daily basis.’

The Blog Power Awards can be found somewhere on the web and intelligent readers will undoubtedly go right there to avoid the sight of perverted Krankie porn. Psychologists advise that nominating a satirical website will reduce the chances of your becoming addicted to these pictures.

(Something for the discerning team…)

New terror prevention measures have been greeted with a hostile response from Downing Street. High Chancellor Gordon Von Brown was left steaming when he was accidentally hit by daylight on Monday, only 24 hours after Britain’s next Prime Minister was fed garlic at a banquet in his honour.

‘The master says there’s an organised plan to disrupt his takeover,’ said Labour spokesman Igor Miliband. ‘For generations, the von Browns have been victimised by these unruly countryside mobs who run through the night with their pitchforks and burning torches.’

This is not the first time that Von Brown has been critical of the electorate. He is known for his dislike of crosses and holy water, though he recently admitted that he is a supporter of Raith Rovers. ‘I am a simple man who enjoys simple pleasures,’ he told from his perch high on the Downing Street rooftop.

Meanwhile, David Cameron is expected to launch a new initiative on Monday to welcome stave wielding buxom virgins back into the Tory party. ‘We want to reach out to the blond bimbos who go wandering into graveyards late at night in low cut taffeta dresses exposing their large pale breasts to light of the full moon,’ explained a somewhat excited Francis Maude.