(Story)

(Double digits)

(Story)

(The official list…)

(Number 282)

For the first time since I started The Spine, I’m repeating an old picture from one of the very first stories I posted. And yes, before you say anything, I know I never got the shadow quite right, which makes what follows all the more bizzare.

The reason I’m posting this will soon become apparent, though I should add that I’m struggling to believe what I’ve just read. Either someone has gone to great lengths to wind me up or there are some amazingly dumb people in the world who get paid ridiculous amounts of money to sue people. Since I tend to believe in the dictum that the simplest explanation is usually the correct one, I guess it means this is real and that people can be stupendously dumb.

Now, you might not find this interesting but, if it’s true, it makes me so very happy. The mysterious (and now sainted) M posted a link in one of my old stories about Gordon Ramsay. The link is to this court document relating to a court case in the US where Ramsay was being sued. This stunning wonderful document demonstrates, I think, the utter banality of lawyers but it is page six that gives meaning to everything I’ve ever done or wanted to do with this website.

If the fact I spell Ramsay’s name wrong wasn’t a big enough clue, they pick up my reference to Ramsay being a captain in the SAS and actually cite the reported fact that he is the UK’s bare-knuckle champion when, as everybody knows, the title’s currently held by Leo Sayer.

Sometimes I wonder why I do what I do. And then something like this happens and I remember everything. That people quote from a website without turning on their brain doesn’t at all amaze me and in no way does that diminish the pleasure I get when they believe.

Another of the fun things about writing The Spine each day is that I sometimes find that I begin to like the people I satirise. At some point, whatever quality drew me to do something about them becomes so big as to become attractive. When people begin to be so ridiculous, they begin to be acceptable again. Except for a notable few (Jordan, Paris Hilton, Gordon Brown), I tend to like my ‘regulars’. I miss Prescott and always cheer whenever I see him pop up on TV. I’ve even grown to like Victoria Beckham’s pout, which annoyed me for so long. It’s become an affectation as colourful as Patrick Moore’s eyeglass. I suppose my way of handling the absurdity of the real world is to make it more absurd. It keeps me sane.

With Gordon Ramsay, it’s always been about the ego and the menace. I love him for being so extreme. And I’m now so delighted that, in a small way, I’ve helped add to the myth. Twenty two bare knuckle rounds in a dockyard in Hull sounds just so right for the man, if it didn’t sound so bloody ridiculous.

As M says in their comment: ‘oh dear…’

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Week nineteen of the Paul Daniels trial opened with the prosecution calling witnesses who claim to have seen Daniels waving a magic wand in the face of a distraught cash-and-carry manager in Wrexham last June. One witness recalls Daniels threatening to turn the manager into a walrus unless she accepted magic coins in exchange for four bottles of vodka and a packet of peanuts. According to Mrs. Gloria Swinebottom, Daniels had been drinking Tizer all afternoon and had lost all sense of smell. ‘He kept screaming, “I can’t smell it Debbie! I can’t smell it”, but we never knew what it was he couldn’t smell. It certainly wasn’t the Tizer. The stench was all over him.’

Watching from the gallery, Debbie McGee broke down as more witnesses claimed that Daniels has a history of midget baiting. ‘He would often threaten midgets with his wand during rehearsals for his BBC shows,’ said Elvis Turtle, midget manager and one time assistant to Daniels. ‘One time, he held a midget by the ankles until they promised to sing for him. And when they did, he began to cry like a baby. He would make the rest of us sing harmonies until he fell asleep.’

Daniels is standing trial for canceling his Sky subscription before the minimum six month contract had lapsed and not returning his free Sky+ box.

The case for the prosecution continues.

(’And this is my moral compass. This is who I am. I am a conviction politician.‘)