(Praise the Lord!)

(The Full Scoop, Daddy-o)

Bruce Forsyth has been dramatically axed from Strictly Come Dancing after BBC bosses decided that a new low cost replacement would save them his £30 million a year salary. Sir Menzies Campbell will join the show this week and says he’s delighted to be asked to fill Bruce’s shoes.

‘I’ve been known to snap my sock garters for the ladies at the cha-cha-cha, don’t you know?’ he said while posing for publicity shots in central London. He also promises that there will be plenty of opportunities for his Liberal Democrat colleagues to join him on the show. Said a clearly confused Ming: ‘We’re still a united party and I hope we’ll be able to get them all together and give us a good old fashioned hokey cokey, with both the left-legged side of the party uniting with the right-legged side, as we proceed to shake it all about at our eventual election victory celebrations.’

(Sack him…)

Dreadfully inept actors, talentless hack writers, and inbred viewers alike are this week celebrating the 25th birthday of Emmerdale, the show credited with making Wellington boots fashionable among the dim and the credulous. The show has prided itself on having some of the dullest storylines for two and a half decades, while the crud of Britain’s acting talent have delivered the flat, uninspired dialogue against the backdrop of an unrealistic and remarkably southern version of Yorkshire.

Despite putting The Archers to shame with its utterly banal storylines, the show remains a seemingly untreatable lesion on the raw pustulated hide of the ITV schedule. The latest viewing figures suggest that it’s hard to find a programme less entertaining, unless we turn over to Channel 4 on one of their arty nights and watch something Polish involving subtitles and skinny women discussing the relationship between freedom, capitalism, and elbows.

Emmerdale’s only merit was the discovery of Mandy Dingle, whose catchy name and generous proportions became the generously proportioned butt of many a joke over the years. Yet over 25 years, Emmerdale (previously known as Emmerdale Farm) has also tackled many controversial subjects. It was criticised in 1984 for its graphic sexualisation of sheep, but the greatest outcry came after it sexualised Mandy Dingle in 1998. In that same time, the show has lost many of its biggest stars, most notably the farm, whose sheep and cattle were butchered by ITV chiefs in secret ritualised cull in the nineties. As viewers sit down to watch the latest milestone in TV’s most utterly soap, we can only wish them well as we dream of another cull and we then turn over and watch Channel 4 news instead.