He is the anonymous translator whose life changed the day he agreed to work for an unpopular regime. Now Gordon Brown has promised him help in a change of heart from a government who had previously refused to give asylum to translators in Iraq persecuted for helping the British forces in Basra.

Speaking anonymously and with his face hidden to protect his identity, Mr. M said, ‘I’m happy to have the support of the Prime Minister. Life has been unbearable since I took the job on Saturday. I was promised that it would be an easy job, over in a day, and that nobody would know my real identity. Now my life has changed. I can’t go home. I can’t even travel in my car without people pointing at me and calling me a quisling.’

Mr. M. faces almost daily intimidation and threats from people who once called him a friend but now cannot understand why he was willing to risk it all to act as mouthpiece for the Brown administration. Mr. M. is defiant. ‘If I don’t interpret for him, who will?’ he asks. ‘Does the country really want to be run by a man who nobody can understand?’

A war of words continues to rage between ITV chiefs and television watchdogs after it emerged that producers were previously warned that their new reality-based dog racing show contravened broadcasting rules. Said Sir Trevor Simon, head of Policy Research at OFCOM: ‘Even if we ignore the fact that it’s totally unacceptable from the point of view of the animal’s health, we have to question whether anybody would really want to watch Jimmy Krankie riding a dachshund.’

The six part series, due to start on Wednesday, pits twelve celebrities against each other in a series of races. The first episode sees Krankie riding a dachshund against David Baddiel on a whippet. ‘It’s not such a one-horse race as you’d imagine,’ smiled Krankie. ‘Or should I say: it’s not such a one-dog race? Fan’dabi’dozi!’

Meanwhile the show’s other stars have come out in defence of the races, with Bonnie Langford denying that she whipped Scout, her two year old Afghan, over the last half-mile of her first outing. ‘I was holding on for my life,’ she said. ‘Scout enjoyed the race and I think he liked having me on his back.’

Any decision about the show’s future will probably not be made until initial audience figures come in after Wednesday’s show. But if viewers like what they see, in future weeks they will witness Delia Smith riding a Dalmatian and Sir Trevor McDonald pitting his wits against a feisty Yorkshire Terrier called Grizzler.

Speaking in Downing Street, Prime Minister Andrew Marr has just announced to the country’s media that he won’t be calling a general election this year but can’t rule out the possibility of his appearing in another series of Doctor Who in the New Year. ‘I can confirm that there will be no general election this year,’ he said. ‘But who knows what the future has in store for the Doctor and his pretty young assistant?’

Speculation around Westminster has mounted in recent days that Marr would call a November election, followed soon after by more episodes of Grumpy Old Men. ‘I have a mandate to rule and I intend to do that while complaining about loud music and the state of young people’s nostrils,’ he said.

Developing…

There has been widespread condemnation of a statue of Prince Harry that doesn’t present him lying down as though dead. Sculpted by controversial artist Hector Blimp, the six foot statue avoids modern art cliches by doing away with the usual trappings of faecal matter and purple pigmy giraffes. ‘This is an outrageous attempt to portray the prince as a human being,’ said Tessa von Clump, Director of the London Institute of Contemporary Art. ‘What is more upsetting is that the artist has even attempted to capture the prince’s likeness, something that’s terribly frowned upon these days. If only he’d made some gesture, such as attaching an Alien facehugger to the prince, we might have been able to excuse it. And until there’s at least one rotting carcass of an animal involved in the piece, I will refuse to display it in my gallery.’

BBC Centre became a scene of mass hysteria today after it was announced that Natasha Kaplinsky is leaving to become the face of Channel Five news. The BBC’s Board of Governors was forced to issue a press release stating their hope that the BBC would be able to continue without the popular figurehead newsreader. ‘We believe there will be a BBC,’ said the statement, ‘though we accept that we might have to downgrade our services for the foreseeable future. From immediate effect, we are closing the World Service and all children’s programming.’

The day began with small groups of protestors gathering with boards reading ‘Stay Natasha’ and ‘Don’t Go Kaplinsky!’ By mid afternoon, crowds of tens of thousand were being held back by riot police as growing anger brought more fans out onto the streets. Other protestors chained themselves to railings, claiming that their human rights were being ignored by the defection of the woman some say has saved the BBC. Meanwhile, insiders within the Corporation have told The Spine that there’s much anger at the way that Kaplinsky has been treated. ‘Natasha’s a princess. In fact, she’s the Queen of the BBC,’ said one member of the news team. ‘I’m not surprised she’s going. She was never given the absolute love she deserved. At the moment there are lots of angry journalists wondering how they’ll manage without Natasha’s bright smile to greet them every morning.’

The government has rushed to assure the nation that the license fee won’t be wasted. From 2008, the fee will go to Channel 5 and the BBC will becoming a commercial operation generating revenue through advertising and a new ‘Natasha Kaplinsky at the BBC’ tour which will be built on the space currently occupied by the now defunct BBC News studios.

Natasha Kaplinsky has, in the meanwhile, asked that the protests remain peaceful. ‘I don’t want anybody to get hurt because of my decision to quit,’ she said. ‘I want everybody to remain calm, unless they see that bastard Huw Edwards, in which case I ask them to give him a bloody good kicking courtesy of me.’

(Example)

(Story)

(Okay, it was obvious and not very clever)

(Story)

(Story)